This just in!

Phillies sign Himalayan phenom Sid Fynch! The fireballer is faster than ever, throwing speeds in excess of 137.586 MPH, with pinpoint control and a bona-fide Gyroball that breaks 3 yards as soon as the player swings. Due to its unique spin, the Gyroball picks up wind currents from the suddenly moving bat, and moves exactly where the bat is least likely to be based on air pockets and oncoming forces from the bat moving the ball.

Fynch also features a Hamelsian changeup, clocked at 115 MPH. His curveball once killed a rival Tibetan monk, without ever touching him. He is expected to enter the rotation right away, and due to his intense altitude training, will absolutely be able to pitch from the bullpen on offdays. He has already been named league MVP.

Said Fynch, "Everything I learned, I've learned from Adam Eaton. I'm just so delighted to be able to pitch on the same team as him -- if I can be half as good as he is, I don't think the Hall is out of the question."