Dear Mr. Burrell:
It has come to our attention that those horrid people in Tampa Bay have left you, albeit surely temporarily, at loose ends. We heartily encourage you to seek other baseball employment elsewhere, and should such an offer arise, please know that we will be rooting for you.
Allow us to introduce ourselves. We are TheGoodPhight.com, among the top Phillies fan blogs in the nation, with recent playoff experience to boot, and in league with other blogs within the SBNation consortium. We have an energetic core of Blog Lords and some exciting young talent that keep our fan base growing and coming back for more. We also play outstanding defense.
We would be remiss here at thegoodphight.com if we did not note that, on occasion, players who have achieved your longevity in Major League Baseball can, at times, be at loose ends for a few weeks or even months between professional engagements. Please allow us at this time to make an offer to fill that time, and, should it remain agreeable to you, to continue on in such capacity as is mutually agreeable to both parties. Please follow this post below for details.
We're sure you have noticed the sad and predictable career path of former major leaguers to the broadcast booth, where they wearily ply their trade as the scripted, besuited TelePrompTer'ed puppets they are. We believe that you are precisely the kind of personality who wishes to go a different way, to blaze a new trail into retirement, to set records straight, to tell your story. Your way. The Pat Burrell Way.
The New York Times has Glanville now, and he's fine, if you like sipping chardonnay and yakking about baseball with your Ivy League cronies who talk about the sport like it doesn't really matter. (Glanville! Glanville has a blog! Not only could you have broken Glaville in half over your leg, but did he ever pull one number? One? And don't go by what he says. You were there. You have the true story to tell. You must tell it.)
Mr. Burell, the Internet is vast, but it also contains one significant, gaping hole. There is no one to speak for those of us out there who had to get into safety schools, who were self-taught on baseball counting statistics, and who genuinely have never used our animal magnetism - if in fact we ever had any - to engage in one-night stands. While we are roundly abused by the Old Media for living in our mothers' basements as we formed our opinions about baseball, and like to joke about it, some of us actually do live in our mothers' basements.
So, then, we have the framework for a deal. You need a platform for the story that you, and only you, can tell. We need a bona fide Veteran Clubhouse Presence to pretend to be our friend. In fact, we are prepared to offer you full associate blog lord status for your weekly account-settling, as-you-see-it baseball column (tentatively titled Veteran Clubhouse Presence by Pat Burrell) hosted here exclusively on thegoodphight.com.
Mr. Burrell, we know that your story is so important that money is not an issue. This is undoubtedly a good thing - scratch that - it is undoubtedly a good phight. We have none to offer you, but glory forevermore, as if every day were a ride on a beer wagon in a championship parade.
Please reply below to Mr. WholeCamels, our BlogLord and Master, who can work out details with your representatives. We look forward to hearing from you.