How "unhittable" was Kuroda last night?

Pre-game:

38-year-old righthander Hiroki Kuroda brings a 0.95 regular season ERA against Phillies into tonight.

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: MYSTERY QUESTIONS OF LIFE

Why do ancient Japanese players dominate the Phils? Kuroda is 38, Hideki Matsui was 35 when he curb-stomped the Phils in the 2009 WS.

I think Charlie Manuel may have played against these guys!

Top 1st:

Rollins gets ahead 3-1, but takes 92-mph heat in the nitro zone and jams himself trying to pull a 90-mph pitch in the outside corner. POPUP!!

Utley swings through a hanging change-up and K's on high-inside fastball. Pathetic AB!

Polanco takes full cut at 85 change-up instead of a two-strike defensive cut and K's.

Chris Wheeler: (Kuroda) does not throw balls in the middle of the plate"

Pigeon: "Actually Chris, I counted FOUR in the first inning!"

Bottom 1st:

Howard pulls an Adam Dunn by failing to reach down for an Andre Ethier grounder.  An easy force-out becomes infield single.

Baseball Karma pays Howard a visit two batter later as James Loney tomahawks a grounder past the first baseman for an RBI single.

Top 2nd: LA 1 - PHI 0

Howard crushes a 3-2 pitch toward right, but shortstop Jamey Carroll pulls a Biff Tannen and catches the liner.

Bottom 2nd: LA 1 - PHI 0

After robbing Howard of a hit, Carroll robs Roy Halladay of a strikeout by poking an 0-2 outside sinker to right field in front of the charging Jayson Werth.

On the surfact, this is a lucky hit - but Carroll played the game correctly and was rewarded.  He was fooled on a filthy 0-2 sinker off the outside corner.  He shortened his swing and gave himself a change to get lucky by making contact.  Well done.

Rod The Matador Barajas grounds into DP - and scores Casey Blake from 3rd.

Top 4th: LA 2 - PHI 0

Rollins tries to uppercut a 93-mph Nitro Zone fastball into the seats, but Dodger Stadium is a fly ball graveyard.  Can of Corn to CF.

Utley tries to uppercut a 94-mph Nitro Zone fastball into the seats, but Dodger Stadium is a fly ball graveyard. Can of Corn to LF.

Top 5th: LA 2 - PHI 0

Howard tries to uppercut a 91-mph Nitro Zone fastball into the seats, but Dodger Stadium is a fly ball graveyard. Can of Corn to SS.

With a 3-1 count, Werth tries to pull a decent, but hittable Kuroda fastball into the seats, but swings over top and grounds weakly to short.

With a 2-0 count, Ibanez puts a nice swing on a Kuroda sinker and lines out to left.

Bottom 5th: LA 2 - PHI 0

Roy Halladay experiences a Brett Myers ADD moment and unconciously delivers Rod Barajas a Napalm fastball over the inner-half.  The Matador slams the pitch over the left field fence to make the score 3-0.

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: LAW AND ORDER

Judge to Roy Halladay: You are charged with reckless endangerment of the 2010 Phillies season in addition to aiding and abetting a known stiff.  How do you plead?

Halladay: Your Honor, it was the weirdest thing.  One second, Barajas stepped to the plate.  The next thing I knew, he was jogging around the bases.  I DON'T REMEMBER THROWING A PITCH!

Judge:  You are hearby prohibited from entering the Baseball Hall of Fame on your first year of eligibilty.  You will receive full consideration in your second year.  COURT IS ADJORNED!!

Miscellaneous

Kuroda inexplicably takes a no-hitter into the 8th inning, where Shane Victorino justly denies the righthander a piece of history by lining a single to right.

Final score: Dodgers 3 - Phillies 0

I am Don Pigeon and I am OUT!!!