If the 2010 Phillies Were Characters From The Simpsons

Yes, leave it to me (with substantial contributions from the entire roster of Blog Lords) to craft an intricate, pointless post about a cultural totem at least six years past its expiration date...

Charlie Manuel is Homer Simpson: Superficially dumb but well-meaning and surprisingly resourceful.  Disproportionately famous in Japan (Yakult Swallows; Mr. Sparkle).  Known for weight issues.

More after the jump...

Roy Halladay is Lisa Simpson: Even when everyone and everything goes to crap around them, they keep their cool and rise above.  They love and accept those around them despite knowing that they're "better."

Jimmy Rollins is Bart Simpson: Not much else to say about this one, although a valid argument can also be made for Shane Victorino.

Greg Dobbs is Disco Stu: One brilliant moment in the sun years past.  Continual usage in an attempt to recapture that ephemeral magic proving pathetically fruitless.  Just... let him go. 

Kyle Kendrick is Milhouse: Not particularly likable, bright, or talented in any notable way, and the butt of constant jokes.  Unrequited crush on Lisa.

Chase Utley is Duff Man: Super-intense, single-minded focus on profession.

Mike Sweeney is Ned Flanders: Impossibly nice, extremely religious, constant nagging reminder of the shortcomings of others.

Carlos Ruiz is Maggie Simpson: Never really says anything, but always at the center of the action and you can kind of tell she has it together more than anyone else.

Brian Schneider is the Baby with One Eyebrow: Maggie's competitor.

Cole Hamels is Ralph Wiggum: Sweet, probably not that bright, and utterly guileless.  Prone to making completely nonsensical statements.

Dallas Green is Superintendent Chalmers: Stern, loud, obnoxious, belittles others in public for shortcomings.  Probably coasting on some previous success because he really hasn't done anything of note recently.

Ruben Amaro, Jr. is Artie Ziff: Incredibly confident and smug, but ultimately quite successful despite rubbing pretty much everyone the wrong way

Mick Billmeyer is Moe the Bartender: Creep whose quasi-legal shenanigans inevitably go awry.

Pat Gillick is Marge Simpson: The glue that ultimately holds the whole damn thing together and keeps the ship from sinking.

Brad Lidge is Troy McClure: You may remember him from his previous successes, but also more recent, muted resurgence (Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off!).

Scott Franzke and Larry Andersen are Lenny and Carl: Incredibly close friends, frequent and copious alcohol consumption, witty banter.

Chris Wheeler is Gil the Salesman: Depressing aura of desperation around him at all times.

Tom McCarthy is Dr. Julius Hibbert: Always laughing at inappropriate times.

Shane Victorino is Krusty the Klown: The team jokester, but with a river of filth and corruption running beneath his goofy exterior.

Raul Ibanez is Principal Skinner: Upstanding guy and a hard worker, but often displays splendid incompetence.

Ryan Howard is Rainier Wolfcastle: Huge, superstar, Springfield's go-to famous guy.  Partially known for endorsements of lunchmeat.

Ryan Madson is Groundskeeper Willie: Incredibly competent at one thing, earns the ire of the community if he strays from that particular path.

Jose Contreras is the Channel Ocho Bee: Stands out with his appearance and frequent incendiary performances, but utterly unknowable due to zero command of English language.

Wilson Valdez is Dr. Nick Riviera: No one knows why he holds such a prominent place in the community, except that there really seems to be no other alternative.

Jayson Werth is Nelson Muntz: "Bad boy" reputation and absentee father.

Chad Durbin is the Inanimate Carbon Rod: Surprisingly useful given an apparent lack of any obvious ability or character.

Jamie Moyer is Grampa Simpson: The elder statesmen.  Constant source of advice and stories of dubious utility value.

Placido Polanco is Santa's Little Helper: Kind of wound up with him by accident, he nonetheless turned into a loyal, stalwart member of the group.  Usually low profile but occasionally steps into the foreground.  Needs an operation.

Joe Blanton is Uter, the German Exchange Student: The butt of every non-Homer fat joke.

David Herndon is Roy: "Heeyyy, Mrs. S!"

Roy Oswalt is Cletus Del Roy Spuckler: Deep southern identity and accent.  Relative late-comer to the party but has become a big contributor.

Danys Baez is Kirk Van Houten: Once a high roller (closing; at his father-in-law's cracker factory), he has since fallen on hard times, and now resides in the bachelor apartment/mop-up duty with their ex-partner (Contreras; Luann) living the high life.

Domonic Brown is Martin Prince: Young, brilliant up-and-comer, but never gets the opportunity to show his true ability because of the troubles and needs of those around him.

Ben Francisco is Professor Frink: Usually looks clumsy and awkward, but is actually surprisingly versatile and contributes a great deal.

Ross Gload is Sea Captain McCallister: Notable facial hair, and I don't know if there's a player on the team right now whose name sounds more like that of a longshoreman.

The "Silent Partners" are C. Montgomery Burns: Incredibly old.  Secretive and fabulously wealthy.

David Montgomery is Waylon Smithers: Minus the homosexuality.

Cliff Lee is Hank Scorpio: A legendary figure who briefly appeared, did something great for Homer, killed James Bond (the Yankees), then went off conquer the world, never to be seen again.