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Going Pigeon blog: 9/3/10 - Phils, Phood, Phielder


Fact one: Phils scored 12 runs last night

 

Fact two: Cole Hamels is pitching

 

Fact three: Brewers are starting left-hander Chris Capuano. His ERA is only 4.89, but he does have a pulse so he should be able to get Phillie hitters out with Hamels on the hill.

 

Over/Under on Phillie runs - 1.4

 

Top 1st:

Hamels is looking downright rugged tonight.  He's wearing about 3 days worth of stubble.  Wait, that's 3 days of Don Pigeon stubble, meaning about 10 days worth for Hamels!.  Regardless, he strikes out Rickie Weeks and Corey Hart on change-ups, and jams Ryan Braun for the third out.

 

Bottom 1st: 0-0

Rollins pops an 88-mph Nitro Zone fastball to Weeks at second base.  Man I wish that guy would learn to swing down on the ball!

Utley walks and Polanco shortens his swing nicely to send an opposite field single to right.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS GRAMMER GRAMMAR 101 (Leave me alone!  I'm an accounant, not an English teacher!)

 

Shorten: in baseball this means to reduce the area of a batter’s swing. 

 

Mr. Rollins and Mr. Polanco; your assignment is to write this definition 100 times on the whiteboard before leaving class!

 

With the count 2-2, Ryan Howard watches a fastball sail past the barrel of his bat on the outside corner.

I'm pretty sure Mr. Howard had a Little League coach who told him PROTECT THE PLATE WITH TWO STRIKES.  That fellow would be really pissed right now.

 

Bottom 2nd: 0-0

Shane Victorino leads off by lifting a can-of-corn fly ball to left-center field.

 

Here is why Domonic Brown should not start ahead of any current Phillie - as some bloggers have suggested.  Rooke center fielder Lorenzo Cain prepares to catch the routine fly ball, then decides that Tony Luke's really does make a better cheezesteak than either Pat's or Geno's.  As this epiphany occurs, Ryan Braun is left to make a desparate stab at the ball, which lands softly at Cain's feet for a double.

 

This is the kind of judgement Brown has shown ON DEFENSE since coming up to the bigs.

 

Raul Ibanez shortens his swing and moves Victorino to third by grounding to second.

 

In honor of Goya's Latino Night at Citizens Bank Park, MyPhilly17 shows hispanic announcers Danny Martinez and Rickie Ricardo as they call the action in Spanish:

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: ROSETTA STONE

 

Ricardo (translated to English): Raul Ibanez does a nice job shortening his swing so Victorino can move to third base - THIS JUST IN! - Bizarro Superman has just been spotted trying to blow Hurricane Earl onshore at Martha's Vineyard!!! Film at eleven!!

 

Carlos Ruiz taps a soft grounder to 3rd, allowing Victorino to sprint home from third.

 

Bottom 4th: PHI 1 - MIL 0

Exhuasted from a recent illness and hefty overtime at the office, Don Pigeon dozes off . . .

Ryan Howard leads off with a sharp grounder, but Prince Fielder robs him with a spectacular diving stop.  Cuddling beside me, Meghan Fox says, "Hey, that guy lost some serious weight!" 

 

Don Pigeon wakes up and checks the DVR

Ryan Howard leads off with a sharp grounder as Prince Fielder watches and says "Oh, Yeah!  Tony Luke's cheesesteaks are WAY better than Pat's or Geno's!!!

 

A Jayson Werth single and a Victorino walk load the bases for Raul Ibanez, who lunges after a telegraphed Capuano curve ball and strikes out.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: ROSETTA STONE II

Ricardo (translated to English): Raul Ibanez completely lost his balance on a curve that my six-year-old could have spotted - THIS JUST IN! - Clark Kent has just defeated Bizarro Superman and spared thousands of vacationers at Martha's Vineyard!

 

Ruiz follows by scolding a line-drive toward center field.  But Weeks has his Biff Tannen on tonight, and starts cheating toward 2nd base just as Ruiz swings.  The result is an inning-ending double play.

 

Bottom 6th: PHI 1 - MIL 0

Kameron Loe comes in to relieve Chris Capuano

The Brewer righthander looks pretty tall and tough customer.  When your parents don't know how to correctly spell Cameron or Lowe, you've got to be pretty tall and tough to survive.

 

Prince Fielder somehow manages to field a Ryan Howard grounder and reach around his pitcher to tag Howard as he dives toward the bag.

 

Curious to see if Katy Perry is my companion in this dream, I glance to my left only to see Maddie the Projectile Vomiting Cat beside me.

 

HOLY CRAP!  I wasn't asleep!  Fielder did make that play!  LIFE IS NOT FAIR!!!

 

Top 8th: PHL 1 - MIL 0

With Ryan Madson slated to pitch the ninth inning, Jose Contreras pitches the eighth in relief of Cole Hamels.

 

With 2 outs and the bases empty, the Naked Emperor dispenses valuable information about Rickie Weeks.

 

Wheeler: "With the score 1-0, you really have to be careful with Weeks!"

Pigeon: "Most 8-year veterans like Contreras know enough to be careful in the eighth inning of a 1-0 game!"

 

Top 9th: PHI 1 - MIL 0

Ryan Madson attempts to save the game for the Phillies, while at the same time solving the mystery of why such a supremely talented and successful setup man can be such a HAZMAT DISASTER as a closer.

 

After retiring Corey Hart on a soft grounder to short, Madson faces a potential choking situation when home plate umpire Deryl Cousins ignores a perfect 93-mph fastball at the knees.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: WIRED FOR SOUND

Home plate umpire Deryl Cousins: "Man, that Tony Luke's cheesesteak is going to taste so good with that bottle of Corona Lite with the little slice of li . . .um, I hope that pitch wasn't an obvious strike."

 

As Madson cracks four teeth and severs his tounge following the pitch, Chris Wheeler and Tom McCarthy hold their breath for 10 seconds.  Both veteran announcers knew that Cousins missed the call, but Wheeler believes he will be sent to Hell if he ever criticizes an umpire on live television.

 

Madson swallows three ounces of blood and proceeds to strike out Ryan Braun.

 

GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: FATHER-SON DAY

I grew up watching a jolly slugger named Cecil Fielder play for the "Brew Crew' Milwaukee teams of the 1980's. Always self-effacing and smiling, Mr. Fielder was the kind of fellow I enjoyed rooting for.

 

As a middle-aged adult, I am now watching a FAT, arrogant, and did I mention FAT first baseman play for the Milwaukee Brewers. Prince Fielder seems like a home run watching, lazy yet successful anyway kind of PUNK that I hate with every fiber of my being.

 

Why haven't the Mets signed this guy yet? They'd go PERFECT together!

 

Madson jams Fielder, who despite being comprised of 98.6% LARD, has enough strength to fist the ball 385-feet toward center field.  Fortunately for Phillies fans, the fence at that trajectory is 390-feet, allowing Victorino to make a slick running catch to end the game!

 

Final score: Phillies 1 - Brewers 0

 

Final score from Miami: Marlins 6 - Braves 1

 

I am Don Pigeon and I AM OUT!!!


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