To the great and compassionate BaseBa’al, protector of the Game, we beseech thee to withhold thy vengeance from the Philadelphia Phillies Baseball Club and its players.
We ask of thee to guide their ground balls into the hole, their line drives to land in safety on the luscious green grass planted in thy honor, and their fly balls to sail beyond the reach of their enemy’s glove and, whenever possible in thy kindness, beyond the outfield fence.
We humbly beg of thee to allow the pitchers of our Beloved Team to miss the bats of their enemies and to find the hands of Chooch always. When, in thy mercy, thou allowest the enemy to make contact, may they only hit weak grounders and popups that shall always find the unfailing gloves of thy humble servants.
We implore of thee to prevent injury and to grant a safe, speedy return and resurrection of those who have temporarily left us, especially Chase Utley, Domonic Brown, and Placido Polanco. We also plead with thee to lift the Curse of Second Base away from this Team forevermore. We ask thee to protect and guide both the decisions of Charles F. Manuel and Ruben Amaro, Junior. Leadeth Charlie away from the abyss of the Gut and Ruben away from the folly of the Smug.
Finally, we docilely submit the following petitions for thy benevolent consideration:
For Domination by the Starting Rotation
For the Scoring of Many Runs
For the Accuracy of Ryan Howard’s Throws
For Plentiful Pinch Hits
For Bullpen Competence
For Two Halves of the Good Raul Ibanez
For 100 Wins
For Another World F*cking Championship
We ask all of these things in thy just and merciful name, O wise BaseBa’al.