INT: Amaro's office. Amaro sits behind his desk, feet propped up. He is talking on speakerphone, while simultaneously fiddling with his IPHONE. Chalie Manuel sits in front of him, next to Scott Proefrock. Charlie is eating the last bites of an egg sandwhich, through tinfoil. Greg Gross, and Rich Dubee stand in the back, Dubee paces, while Gross mimicks a golf swing.
AMARO: (into the phone) What the F*^k do you mean hard boot? I'm holding down the damn button, but I don't see any silver APPLE logo...
APPLE TECH: just hold it for...
AMARO: I don't have time for this S%&T! (screams to the Hall) TAMMY! PICK UP LINE ONE AND COME GRAB MY DAMN PHONE AND GET IT FIXED!!
Amaro's secretary rushes in, takes his IPHONE and hurries out.
AMARO: I can't get emails at all. Make sure he knows that!!
turns to the men gathered. ............. more after the jump.
AMARO: It's never easy with those guys. Anyway. Sorry. Where were we?
PROF: Victorino. he's up tomorrow. We have to decide who goes down.
AMARO: Charlie, whats your gut tell you?
DUBEE: Good call. Ribs sound F*&^I*G GOOD!
AMARO: No, not lunch. About who goes down.
CHARLIE: It's like, tough, cause, like, I know it ain't Dom, that's all. he gotta stay.
AMARO: goes without saying. But if not Dom, then who?
CHARLIE: It ain't gonna be easy to decide, ya know. On one hand, like, Ben, he ain't fielding, and he ain't hitting LEFTIES, but he come around a bit, and Mayberry went yard, so like, he plays good D, can run some, but like, he still hasn't shown that he's got IT! ya know?
AMARO: Right. How's Ross?
CHARLIE: Tougher than a whore in an alley. Can't field, can't run, but I don't need him to do either, like, I need him to hit.
AMARO: what about What's his name?
AMARO: Rule five kid. What's his name? Looks like a midget sized Manny Ramirez.
AMARO: No Ramirez.
PROF: His name is Martinez.
PROF: Mini Manny. His name is Martinez.
DUBEE: SAY THAT 5 times fast!!
AMARO: Ha! Charlie, what say you about the rugrat. Whats his name?
CHARLIE: Martinez. Said it before, I like that kid. He hits A LITTLE, fields A LITTLE, runs A LITTLE, plays like, just bout everywhere A LITTLE. heck, he said he'd pitch the other night...
AMARO: He can pitch too? I'd pay to see that.
CHARLIE: Volunteered. kids a gamer.
AMARO: Seriously, he can PITCH?
DUBEE: How the F%$k should I know?
AMARO: Scott, look in your book.
PROF: (rummaging through his notes) Yes.He threw two innings in A ball in 2007. actually 1.2 innings... his periph...
CHARLIE:Yeah. I knew that. kid said he has a lifetime 0.00 era!
AMARO: Wow. Kid can do everything, huh?
PROF: ACTUALLY, if you look deeper, he has a 10.9 bb/9 and a 0 k/9 career line in a small samp...
PROF: Guys I'm just trying to...
AMARO: jeez with the Billy Beane!
CHARLIE: How many runs he give up? Huh? How Many? Kid can play every goddammned position on the goddamned field and you wanna, like, what, give him back to Washington?
PROF: I didn't say...
CHARLIE: You was bout to!
AMARO: Okay, okay, that's enough. Whatshisname stays. End of discussion. Too valuable... Dubes, talk to me about 11 pitchers.
DUBEE: Go f*&k yourself! No F*&^&%G WAY! Did you see the 19 inning game?
AMARO: No, I was asleep by midnight. What happened?
DUBEE: Well, Baez...
AMARO: Of course I saw it you dumbass. I'm the F&^%^&G GM!! But assuming Gross can do his job and I don't have to fire his ass, like I did Milt, and we can start scoring some runs, can we go with 11?
DUBEE: F*&K me Reuben! If I HAD TO, I guess I could make it work, but It would mean Kendrick is in the rotation and Baez is the long man.
CHARLIE: Baez can do it. I have faith in him, like, he want's the ball, like all the time, but like, Kendrick.... I mean, like, SHEEEEEEEEEEEET.
AMARO: I have no faith in either of them. Frankly, If I knew we were signing Lee, Kendrick wouldn't be here, and Baez was an amtrack ride away from DFA station before last week. Fuck that. 12 pitchers. Next suggestion.
GG: we can DL Gload and see what shakes in a couple weeks...
CHARLIE: And like, who the hell gonna come off the bench from the left? You comin out of retirement?
PROF: (under his breath) might be better than Martinez...
CHARLIE: What'd you say?
CHARLIE: Thought so.
GROSS: Charlie, he can't run or field.
CHARLIE: Neither could you. I don't need him to field I need him to get dadgumned extra base hits from the dadgumned left dadgumn side! I'll worry about running when he gets on base.
PROF: Well, granted its a small sample, but he hasn't got an extra base hit, and his walk rate...
CHARLIE: Good criminy man! Gload can flat out hit, I don't care bout no mumbo jumbo sample sale. He can hit,
GROSS: But he can't run Charlie..
AMARO: Meh, Whatshisname can run. Gload stays for now. So who's left?
PROF: Francisco or Mayberry. or Brown.
ALL: BROWN STAYS!!
PROF: i know, Jeez....
AMARO: Charlie? who goes?
CHARLIE: Like, it's tough cause, Ben's proven, but like, he ain't been so hot, and Mayberry, well, he runs, can play a little first..
GROSS: which'll help with Gload..
CHARLIE: Whens the last dadgumned time I played Gload at first? He's a dadgumned pinch hitter.
AMARO: But it's a good point. If we send down Mayberry, Can Whatshisname Play 1st?
AMARO: First Base. Who's on first?
CHARLIE: It ain't hard to play first base. Valdez, Utley?
AMARO: Who plays second if Utley plays first?
AMARO: What's his names on second, who's your left handed bat?
CHARLIE: I don't know.
PROF: THIRD BASE!!
They all look at him. no one laughs.
CHARLIE: This is giving me a dadgum migrane, and you're making funnies? You got an idea, I'd love to hear it.
PROF: Um, actually, well, see, if it were me, just a suggestion...
AMARO: SPIT IT THE F&^%K OUT!
PROF: Fine. (in ultra fast, he knows exactly what to do speed) Put Gload on the 60 day. free up a 40 man spot. Give it to Podsednik and give him Gloads spot. Send Zagurski down friday and replace him with Shane. We go with 11 pitchers short term, the schedule works to our advantage with that right now. In the meantime, we try and work out a deal with Washington for Martinez. If they bite, we send him to lehigh and bring up Orr, or send Garcia to the 60 day, free up a 40 man spot and give it to Young, Belliard or Barfield. You keep Francisco and mayberry for now, put the best team on the field, and if we make a deadline deal we can dangle Francisco as a piece, cause, frankly, Mayberry might just be more valuable.
The room erupts in laughter.
CHARLIE: I got no idea what you just said. (belly laughing)
DUBEE: 11 pitchers, did you not......HAHAHHAHAHAHA!!
GROSS: What else you got, wait, I know, Let Brown play everyday!!
AMARO: Enough. Stop picking on Scott cause he makes it easy. Sorry Professor. You can pick lunch.
CHARLIE: Long as its RIBS.
PROF: (under his breath...) I was serious...
CHARLIE: So was I. I'm gettin some damn ribs for lunch.
AMARO: Charlie, who goes?
CHARLIE: It's like, a coin flip, Rube. Really, like, I go back and forth tween John and Ben, like, they both have, like can hit some and field some, and like, it's close...
AMARO: That's a great idea.
AMARO: (Screams into the speaker phone) TAMMY! get me that huge ass kennedy dollar Gillick gave me and bring it in here! WE GOT A DECISION TO MAKE.
Amaro looks at Proefrock.
AMARO: (laughing...) Work out a deal with Washington...
PROF: you're really gonna flip a coin?
CHARLIE: Ain't gonna make much a difference. Sides. I'm hungry and I got a take a poo.
AMARO: Heads it's Mayberry....