Cole Hamels's Fan (e)Mail, June 30, 2011

Pussie!

From: Allen Swampmutter

To: me

Date: Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 4:43 PM

Subject: Today

You are disgrace. You epitolize everything wrong with pre-madonna athletes in this city. I havent seen a player as shelfish as you since Bobby Abreu. He was afraid to run into walls and you are afraid to pitch with pain in your back and now your hand... there is no excuse for leaving a game because a bruse non pitching hand and you just prove yourself to be a cowerd. who needs chrioproctor any ways? Thank you for 208 and all, but because of you're cowardise, we lose the game today.

The team is better of with out you.

bye.

AS

 

From: Rory Green

To: me

Date: Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 3:55 PM

Subject: Are you O.K.? 

Dear Mr. Hamels, 

My name is Rory. I'm 11 years old. You are my favorite pitcher. I like your changeup and your fastball and your cutter and your curveballs. I'm a lefty too and I pitch and I wear number 35 because you are my favorite pitcher. You inspire me to do better. I was watching the game today and I saw you get hit in your hand and I am worried that you were not O.K. because you left the game. Are you O.K.? 

Please respond if you are okay and send me your autograph. 

Thank you,

Rory Green

 

From: Allen Swampmutter

To: me

Date: Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 4:45 PM

Subject: PS

PUSSIE!

From: Gale McDougall

To: me

Date: Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 4:30 PM

Subject: From a mother

In my life, I have given birth to seven children. None of them weighed under 8 pounds. Three of them I gave birth to on the kitchen table. One of them I gave birth to in the back of my husband's Lincoln. For seven of them, I was back to work the following day. For the last one, I was back to work the same day, just an hour later. I don't want to hear about your hand, dearie. 

If mothers played baseball, we wouldn't leave the game until we were physically unable to stand. 

Best regards, 

Gale

 

From: John Slontz

To: me

Date: Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 6:12 PM

Subject: WTF

WTF? 

Creepy-hamels-2_medium

No, like WTF????!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

From: Becki Matthias

To: me

Date: Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 7:01 PM

Subject: Call me

You are soooo sexy. You have beautiful eyes and an amazing butt. Me and my girlfriends have a bet on who can get with you first. I know you have a wife and all, but she was kinda a bitch on Survivor. LOL. 

Anyways, if you are ever out on the town trying to have some fun with a college girl, call me. 

215-RED-ACTED

<3Becki

 

From: Clement Okon

To: me

Date: Thu, Jun 30, 2011 at 8:15 PM

Subject: REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION. THIS IS BY VIRTUE OF ITS NATURE AS BEING UTTERLY CONFIDENTIAL AND ‘TOP SECRET'. I AM SURE AND HAVE CONFIDENCE OF YOUR ABILITY AND RELIABILITY TO PROSECUTE A TRANSACTION OF THIS GREAT MAGNITUDE INVOLVING A PENDING TRANSACTION REQUIRING MAXIIMUM CONFIDENCE.

WE ARE TOP OFFICIAL OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL WHO ARE INTERESTED IN IMPORATION OF GOODS INTO OUR COUNTRY WITH FUNDS WHICH ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN NIGERIA. IN ORDER TO COMMENCE THIS BUSINESS WE SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE TO ENABLE US TRANSFER INTO YOUR ACCOUNT THE SAID TRAPPED FUNDS.

THE SOURCE OF THIS FUND IS AS FOLLOWS; DURING THE LAST MILITARY REGIME HERE IN NIGERIA, THE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS SET UP COMPANIES AND AWARDED THEMSELVES CONTRACTS WHICH WERE GROSSLY OVER-INVOICED IN VARIOUS MINISTRIES. THE PRESENT CIVILIAN GOVERNMENT SET UP A CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL AND WE HAVE IDENTIFIED A LOT OF INFLATED CONTRACT FUNDS WHICH ARE PRESENTLY FLOATING IN THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA READY FOR PAYMENT.

HOWEVER, BY VIRTUE OF OUR POSITION AS CIVIL SERVANTS AND MEMBERS OF THIS PANEL, WE CANNOT ACQUIRE THIS MONEY IN OUR NAMES. I HAVE THEREFORE, BEEN DELEGATED AS A MATTER OF TRUST BY MY COLLEAGUES OF THE PANEL TO LOOK FOR AN OVERSEAS PARTNER INTO WHOSE ACCOUNT WE WOULD TRANSFER THE SUM OF US$21,320,000.00(TWENTY ONE MILLION, THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS). HENCE WE ARE WRITING YOU THIS LETTER. WE HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY THUS; 1. 20% FOR THE ACCOUNT OWNER 2. 70% FOR US (THE OFFICIALS) 3. 10% TO BE USED IN SETTLING TAXATION AND ALL LOCAL AND FOREIGN EXPENSES. IT IS FROM THE 70% THAT WE WISH TO COMMENCE THE IMPORTATION BUSINESS.

PLEASE,NOTE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% SAFE AND WE HOPE TO COMMENCE THE TRANSFER LATEST SEVEN (7) BANKING DAYS FROM THE DATE OF THE RECEIPT OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIOM BY TEL/FAX; 234-1-7740449, YOUR COMPANY'S SIGNED, AND STAMPED LETTERHEAD PAPER THE ABOVE INFORMATION WILL ENABLE US WRITE LETTERS OF CLAIM AND JOB DESCRIPTION RESPECTIVELY. THIS WAY WE WILL USE YOUR COMPANY'S NAME TO APPLY FOR PAYMENT AND RE-AWARD THE CONTRACT IN YOUR COMPANY'S NAME.

WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING THIS BUSINESS WITH YOU AND SOLICIT YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY IN THIS TRANSATION. PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF THIS LETTER USING THE ABOVE TEL/FAX NUMBERS. I WILL SEND YOU DETAILED INFORMATION OF THIS PENDING PROJECT WHEN I HAVE HEARD FROM YOU.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,

DR CLEMENT OKON

NOTE; PLEASE QUOTE THIS REFERENCE NUMBER (VE/S/09/99) IN ALL YOUR RESPONSES.

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