INT: Cooperstown, NY. Ruben's suite. Ruben Amaro, Sandy Alderson, Ed Wade, Andrew Friedman, Frank Wren, and Mike Rizzo are all gathered together. RIzzo is behind the bar, looking like he's about to pass out drunk. making drinks. Wade is on twitter, Friedman sits in a chair, visibly buzzed. Amaro and Wren are on the couch, with playstation controllers in their hands. They are playing MLB2K11. Alderson is at the door, paying for Pizza.
Sandy: Keep the change, bud.
He walks over to a table, puts the pies down, takes a slice and sits on the couch, next to Amaro and points at the tv.
Sandy: Plug him into the five hole, and see what I'm talking about.
Ruben: Nah, I hit him sixth, I like Vic in the five hole, and. Ibanez 7th.
Sandy: suit yourself.
Wren: (to Wade...) And you want me to lead off Bourn?
Ed Wade: Fuck if I care, just take him. Get me the fuck to October, and one of you guys give me a damn job please? (under his breath) I hate my life.....
Rizzo: I got dibs on Upton next game.
Friedman: That will cost you two gin and tonics my good man.
Rizzo: What am I, your butler?
Friedman: I'm drunk and I aint moving. You want Upton, you bring me a drink.
Rizzo: I'm schnozzed too. (looks around) Where's Gillick?
Alderson: Went to bed. You both better slow down, or by the end of the night Andy'll have Werth batting cleanup, and You'll still be paying his salary for the next decade.
Rizzo: keep laughing. its funny. I get it. Werth is gunna be a cunnestone, for years to...
Ruben: Save it for the Post, Mike. We're just givin you shit.
more after the Jump...
Wren: How do I pitch again?
Rube: press that button and move the stick thing.
Wren: Got it.
Wade: Hey Rube, Heyman just twitted that Sandy's interested in Brown again.
Sandy: I'm in!
Rube: Hey Ed, TWIT back "And RAJ is interested in keeping his job. Now go f*&k yourself you douchebag. "
Friedman: And its TWEET Ed. TWEET.
Ed: whatever. With Heyman its twit. cause thats what he is, a f*&%*ing twit.
Rizzo: Twit Twat!
Wren: F*&k that guy.
Wade: Olney is worse.
Sandy: no way. Heyman makes Olney look like Walter Cronkite. He's a bug. a little slimey entitled bug.
Friedman: can we trader Olney and Heyman to the NFL?
Rizzo: Seriously, F*&K TWITTER! Am I right? that fuuken thing has made my life a livi fukken hell.
Rube: You're confusing twitter with Scott Boras.
Alderson: Seriously, though, remember when we could do this without every blazin' word being broadcast across the internet in seconds?
Ed: Those were the days... But I'll admit I'm glued to the damn thing.
ALL: F*&K HEYMAN!
ALL: F*&K TWITTER!!!
Rizzo: okay Andy, How bout Storen or Clippard straight up for BJ?
Friedman: Dude, how many times do I have to tell you, I'm NOT TRADING UPTON!
Alderson: you are drunk, and full of shit.
Friedman: yeah, who am I kidding. He's totally available!
Rube: Regardless, thats a shit deal Mike, you know it.
Wade: I'll do that for Bourn, if you throw in a few...
Rizzo: Not interested. In Clippard or Storen, that is.
Wade: thats not what Olney says...
All: FUCK OLNEY!!
Rube: OHHHH!! Beltran goes deep off Jurrjens! Regression is a BITCH Frank!
Wren: Whatever Kendrick.
Rube: that is so 2009, man.
Sandy: Frank, close your ears. Rube, Brown for Beltran...Heyman may be on to something.
Rube: You may be on my BALLS in a minute, too, Sandy.
Sandy: Be careful, or you'll end up with Cabrera.
Rube: that didn't even cause a stir when I planted that one, did it?
Friedman: Cause it wasn't believable. It's realistic, and maybe doable and probable, but its not BIG ENOUGH.
Rube: whadda ya mean?
Sandy: He means a plant has to be HUGE. Cabrera isn't Huge. It loses steam too quick.
Rube: So whats BIG ENOUGH, then?
Friedman: You want me to start a rumor for you?
Rube: (smugly) I would love that Andy. It would make my night.
Friedman: Seriously. 10 bucks says I can get a believable rumor going before the games are done tonight, that'll get everyone talking tomorrow morning.
Rube: You're on. (Ruben's phone rings...) Hold on don't pitch.
Frank: Too late.
Rube: Damn. (into phone) Rube, its go time.... Shit... .how serious?
Rube: Colvin's got a tight groin.
Friedman: Thats perfect. Pull him.
Rube: (to Andy) Why? (into phone) Hold on Scott...
Friedman: who else is in that game that I'd want?
Rube: What do you need?
Friedman: Catcher would be nice.
Rube: Valle. Sebastian Valle.
Friedman. Perfect. Pull him in the 8th.
Sandy: What are you gonna do Andy?
Friedman: Take Amaro's 10 bucks and shove my fist up twitters ASS at the same time.
Rube: (into phone) Scott, pull Brody, and tell em to pull Sebastian after 8 for me. (SCREAMS) DON'T FU*&^%G WORRY ABOUT WHY SCOTT, JUST DO WHAT I TELL YOU! (hangs up...) (to all) He's so easy to get to...
Friedman: Ed, you follow any of the Philly blogs?
Ed: Yeah, why?
Friedman: Let me know when they report Colvin got pulled.
twenty minutes pass.... Ruben is entrenched in his game with Wren.
Ruben: BOOM! Beltran goes yard again!
Wren: It's my turn to use him, Bro.
Alderson: You giving up Minor?
Wren: Fuck no!
Alderson: Then play with Francouer.
Ed: Nobody wants to use Pence?
Sandy: He'll throw in his .380 BABIP at no extra charge...
ED: Saberschmaber, Sandy.
Rube: Ed, you do realize we need to put a whole team on the field, right?
ED: My deal is fair:
Rube: Brown, Singleton, Cosart and Worley is fair?
Sandy: Jesus! Are you serious? Have you lost your mind, Ed?
Ed: It's not me, its this fucking new owner. (mimicking Crane's voice..) "Trim the payroll to 60 million" "Feel out Pence, but don't give away Pence." It's hilarious. Anybody want Carlos Lee? Cause thats the only way this idiot is getting anywhere near 60 million without dealing Pence. He actually thinks we'll win arbitration.
Rube: Is Tony here?
Ed: Andy, twitters blowing up on Colvin.
Andy: awesome. (picks up phone)
Mike: what are you doing now?
Andy: Hey, its Andy. Tell Joe to pull Upton. (pause). Don't worry about why, just tell him to pull him. And tell him nothings changed with Brignac and Jennings.
Rube: what about Brignac and Jennings?
Andy:(to ruben) just a swap. Desmond has over 800 AAA at bats, man, its just time. But it'll play right into the rumors.
Ed: What rumors?
Friedman: The rumors that the moron twitter patrol are about to post about me trading Rube Upton for Valle and Colvin.
ALL: hilarious laughter.
Friedman: F*&k Heyman, F*&k Olney, f*&k twitter!
All: laughter continues.
Sandy: You know, I hate to say it, but that'd be a pretty good trade. probably need Rube to thow in another piece, or swap someone for the catcher, but its fair.
Frank: He's right. Upton helps you more than Beltran does.
Rube: You're just saying that cause you want Beltran.
Frank: No. seriously, he's cost controlled, and he can fill in in the infield in a pinch.
Rube: Can he still play 3B, Andy?
Andy: Not well, but he's definitely better than what youre piecing together in a pinch.
Frank: You make that deal, I'll do Beltran for Minor straight up. Then you don't have to worry about not having the best rotation in the game for the next few years....
Ed: If you guys do that, I'll get Bourn to Rizzo and we can be done with a lot of this shit with a week to spare. What say Mike?
Rizzo is passed out on the bar.
Ed: Mike? Well, we'll figure that out tomorrow.
Rube: Andy? I'm open to it.
Andy: I'm drunk. I don't trade when I'm drunk.
Sandy: C'mon Andy. its close...
Theres dead silence. The tone has turned to a more serious conversation. Amaro has to do something.
Rube: How bout Baez?
Frank: Now that was funny.
Rube: He really is a nice guy.
Sandy: too bad he can't pitch.
Andy: How bout Mayberry?
Rube: (focusing on his game) How bout Francisco and Colvin, no Valle. (to Wren.... )BOOM Howard goes yard.
Rube: How's that contract lookin now, Bitch?
Frank: Still bad.
Rube: Ha ha! Yeah I f*&^ed that one up.
Frank: Andy, you werent here, but the last time we got schnozzed like this Gillick convinced Rube to signed Howard to his extention.
Rube: I'm feeling generous again Andy.
Andy: What about Singleton?
Rube: Not that generous.
Andy: What if I take out Valle, and I'll throw in a few bucks to keep you under the LT.
Rube: So, just Singleton and Colvin?
Andy: I will do that. Yes I will.
Rube: Thats tempting. Frank, balls in your court.
Wren: Minor straight?
Alderson: Thats still light Frank. I'm not drinking, remember?
Frank: Fine, I'll get you a list of B's and you can pick one, or I'll eat half his salary.
Sandy: Minor a B and a C that no one will every care about so it looks like I got three for one. and you eat half his salary.
Wren: Thats still steep.
Sandy: You need him if Rube takes Upton.
Wren: Fine. I can live with that. But I swear if you talk to Frisco...
Sandy: I'm a man of my word, Frank.
Wren: I'm in.
Sandy: Ed, you gonna hold up your end?
Ed Wade: Rizzo! (LOUDER) RIZZO!
Nothing. He's dead to the world.
Wade: Ah F*&k him. We'll get it done.
Rube: We all in agreement?
Wade: Should we tweet it?
Andy: F*&k Twitter. Let em sweat the rumor till monday. Lets hit the strip joint.