Thanks for coming today, uh... I'm sorry, who are you again? You don't look familiar to me at all.
I'm Jason Pridie, I played for you guys for about three weeks back in July.
Hmph. Well, that's probably true. I have no memory of it, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I mean, if it wasn't for all those receipts from hourly hotels and this raging itch I have, I wouldn't... um, never mind.
What was that?
I said never mind, Jarpson.
Who cares. How did you let your teammates down this season, presuming that they actually remember you?
I apparently didn't play well enough to win a spot on the bench from Laynce effing Nix. What is with that dude? Did you know he puts extra Ys in everything? You should see him sign autographs. Actually, that's all I've seen him write. I'm not convinced he knows how to do more than that. "Wyth Lovye , Laynce Niyx." He even adds an extra Y to his last name! How did I not replace this nutjob?
You have got to be making that up.
What?! I promise you, sir, I'm not.
You are making it up, because I said so. Laynce Niyx iys a superiyor humyn speciymn.
Are... are you adding extra Ys to your words even when you talk?
NO I AM NOT MOVYNG ON... I MEAN MOVING ON. How did you let me, your GM, and Charlie your manager down this season?
Well, I went 1-for-7 as a pinch hitter. In the one game I played the field when Shane Victorino was having a shit fit about how horrible he was, I went 2-for-3 with a home run and two RBIs. But apparently I needed to pick a random letter of the alphabet and start using it in inappropriate places. I'm guessing that's how I could have stuck with the team. Would Z have worked?
No. It wouldn't have worked. What do you have to say to all the fans you let down this season?
Well, I would say...
HAHAHA! Never mind! Seriously, I can't believe I asked that. I don't even remember you. I'm guessing they don't either.
Oh stop being so oversensitive. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst, how do you rate on the "it's my fault we're in this freaking mess and missed the playoffs" scale?
Well, I never pinch hit in a game where my hit would have made a big difference. And we lost the one game I played from start to finish even though I played pretty well. So I'm going to say 1. Or I guess it could be 10 because for whatever ephemeral reasons I didn't play well enough to usurp Laynce Nix. What if I chose F as my letter? Or PH?
Even if you did somehow choose the right combination of letters to add to your every word, you don't look like 10 pounds of human muscle shoved into a five pound bag. You lose, Jerpson.
Dude, it's Jayson. Wait, Jason. DAMMIT, NOW YOU'VE GOT ME CONFUSED ABOUT MY OWN NAME.
Like it matters. So to wrap up this delightful conversation, other than yourself of course, which player caused this fiasco of a season the most?
Laynce Nix. That guy blows.
Jason Pridie had an interesting season. He was signed to a minor league contract by the Athletics in November 2011 after being outrighted to AAA by his previous team, the New York Mets. He was suspended 50 games in early March 2012 after testing positive for "a drug of abuse." He served his suspension and was granted free agency by the Athletics on June 4. The Phillies signed him to a minor league contract 11 days later, and he played for the IronPigs until his contract was purchased on June 30 to take the spot on the 25-man roster recently vacated by Jim Thome.
Pridie played in nine games for the Phillies between July 1 and July 20. In eight of those games, he was either a pinch hitter or a defensive replacement. In the one game he started (July 8), he played center field and went 2-for-3 with a home run off Jair Jurrjens. That wasn't enough to convince Charlie Manuel to try starting him again, though. He made five appearances off the bench before being designated for assignment on July 22 to make room for Laynce Nix. And Laynce Nix and his weirdly muscled body needs a lot of room.
Pridie is no longer with the Phillies -- he had enough service time to elect free agency at the start of October. So we're left to wonder what might have been. Would he have been a better option than Laynce Nix in the second half? Who knows. Honestly, a mop with a hat would have been a better option than Laynce Nix, so signs point to possibly. But Pridie wasn't signed to a two year, $2.5m contract, so Pridie continued to spend his time with the IronPigs.
I could thank Jason Pridie for that great game he had against Atlanta, but the Phillies lost, so why bother. I think I'll just thank him for the lack of unnecessary Ys in his name and wish him luck in free agency.