2012 Phillies Exit Interview: Chase Utley

Seriously Paco? Go walk my dog or something and make yourself useful. - Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE

Chase Utley's absence took its toll on sealing the Phillies fate for 2012. But when healthy, he's still the man.

Chase Utley at Baseball Reference

Chase Utley at Fangraphs

Here's everything you need to know about Chase Utley in 2012:

1. He played 83 games. and was shelved until basically the ALL STAR BREAK.

2. He still managed to put up 3.2 WAR, good for 3rd on the team behind Chooch and Jimmy Rollins.

3. Extrapolated over a full season, BASED ON WHERE HE RANKED FOR 2012 AMONG 2B, the only second baseman in the game who was better was ROBBIE CANO.

4. The Phillies are a different team with a healthy Chase Utley for 162.

That said, there will be plenty of questions surrounding Chase heading into 2013. Where will he play? Will he be healthy? Will the Phillies resign him?

Rather than answer these questions myself, I emailed Chase to get an exclusive with THE MAN himself. Incredibly, he actually responded.

Dear nerds,

So it's come to my attention you wanna know how I did this season? Well in case you didn't notice, I sucked. That's how I did.

I sucked because I didn't play enough freaking games and I misread my knees. Here's the real shit. That ain't gonna happen any more. I'm back, I'm healthy, I feel great, Sandberg and me been working on my pivot, got my legs under me, and I've never felt better. I can play for 10 more years if I want, cause I'm Chase Ultey and that's how I roll.

As for where I'm gonna play? Don't know yet. But for all of you Nerditas and Stat heads who still remember what I did in Clearwater in god knows when (It's all a bit of a blur to me) who question my arm, or my glove at the corner, I want to ask you one God D*&n question:

Do you really give two shits WHERE I PLAY, as long as I'M IN THE LINEUP 162 games, wearing red pinstripes?

Yeah, didn't think so.

So do yourselves a favor, stop worrying about where I'm gonna play, take a few weeks away from the internet and go the F*&k outside before its too damn cold to appreciate it. Take your dog for a walk, and make sure he's got his shots, and then maybe go rescue another dog, and name it Chase. Throw it a damn Frisbee. Live people.

Cause I intend on being a Phillie for a long freaking time. Got it? Good?

I'm serious about the Dog. Go now. Stop reading this shit and go.

Utley Out.

On to the Interview.

Interior. Ruben's office. Ruben and Charlie sit waiting, looking down on the field below, watching Utley take grounders.

Charlie: Like what time he said he'd be here.

Ruben: Half past whenever I get a minute.

Charlie: That ain't a real time.

Ruben: Fountain of wisdom you are Charlie.

Charlie: We like just gonna sit and wait?

Ruben: Yup.

Charlie: I can like call Ryan and like...

Ruben: No. he'll be here.

Charlie: Well like while we waiting then, lets talk about like, Hamilton...

Ruben: No.

Charlie: Guy just flat out can HIT Ruben.

Ruben: Hit what, a bong? No.

Charlie: Look, like I need some power in the middle like to..

Intercom goes off...

Secretary: Mr. Amaro Chase Utley..

Chase: Is Here Paco. You got 5 minutes. What do you want.

Charlie: How'd you get up here so fast?

Chase: I'm Chase Utley. 4 minutes 55 seconds.

Ruben: Sit Chase.

Chase: No. Talk.

Charlie: We like wanna ask you a few like questions...

Chase: Yeah, no. See ya.

Charlie: Dadgumn it Chase, everyone gotta do it.

Chase: Seriously Paco?

Ruben: Won't take long. Promise.

Chase: I got 500 soft tosses with my name on them Ruben, I don't have time for this shit. Five questions. Go.

Ruben: Thanks Chase, you're...

Chase: Time's wasting. Go!

1. RUBEN: How did you let your teammates down this season?

Are you serious Paco? I'm Chase f'in Utley. How the hell do you think I let my teammates down? By not being on the damn field for half the freaking season. What the hell kind of question is that?

Charlie: It's not rhetorical, I know that.

Chase: Are you still here?

2. Ruben: Next: How did you let your manager and GM down this season?

I don't know Paco. How bout you tell me how you let ME down this season? Wait, I'll answer. When I went down you let F*&*%^g Michael Martinez play second base. How bout that?

Charlie: Well, actually I let him play second base:

Chase: Really? still here? Shouldn't you be out whacking a little white ball somewhere?

3. Ruben: What do you have to say to all the fans you let down this season?

I'd say get over it. That work? I'm not focused on last year I'm focused on 2013 Paco. Jesus. You got 90 seconds till I gotta meet Sandberg for fungoes and a smoothie, how 'bout something with some substance?

4.On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst, how do you rate on the "it's my fault we're in this freaking mess and missed the playoffs scale."

Crapshoot. We get there all day with me playing full on, Paco, as long as Charlie can keep his head out of his ass in the 7th and 8th. Once we get there? Who the hell knows. Jesus. Who came up with these freaking questions? some idiot blog nerd trying to be cute? I'm Chase F'in Utley. This team lives and dies by my sword. So maybe lets wrap this up so I can go run foul poles so my freaking knees don't buckle between now and March?

5. Other than yourself, which player caused this fiasco of a season the most?

Hmm... You still on the 40 man, Rube? Oh yeah, I forgot. You couldn't hack it so you took a desk job. Maybe next year instead of spending all your money on a closer you might wanna spread that shit around the diamond a little? Yeah? Good. Now go find a middle reliever, some pop, and a fucking third baseman, second baseman, I don't give a shit, but if you go with Gloveless, or whatever the hell his name is I swear to F*&^*%g god I will come to your house and break shit for hours.

And you? (looks at Charlie) How bout you figure out how to get someone on freaking base in front of me so I can drive in some damn runs. And for Christ sakes lose a few pounds.

(looks at Ruben) I don't give a rat's ass where you play me but understand this Ruben, if you let this shit go down again you'll have me to deal with. No excuses. No pussy talk with Monty over petty cash. Fix this. You understand?

Ruben nods.

Good.

See you in February, Skip.

Manuel: You gonna be ready, like, really ready?

Chase; F*&k yes.

Manuel: At's all I needa know.

Ruben: Have a nice winter Chase.

Chase: F*&k you Paco. I'm serious. Fix this.

Ruben: Just take it easy on the knees.

Chase: You take it easy on the knees.

Manuel: You like set yourself up for that one, Rube.

Ruben: See ya Chase.

Chase: Later Paco.

Ruben: (yelling out the door) I'M SERIOUS ABOUT THE KNEES CHASE!

Charlie: You think he'll listen?

Ruben: Not a chance.

Charlie: You think he'll be ready?

Ruben: I do.

Charlie: And if he ain't?

Ruben: Not an option. But I don't make the same mistakes twice, three times in a row.

A loud crash as a baseball breaks the window.

From the field they hear him

Chase: Stop talking and start signing Ruben!. Next one is going through your skull.

Charlie: Who's next?

Ruben: The guy we got from Frisco. Can't remember his name.

Charlie: You wanna order lunch?

Ruben: What do you want?

Charlie: Ribs?

Ruben: Why not.

Charlie: So like, back to Hamilton...

Rube: someone kill me now.

Fade...

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