To the Iranian State-Owned News Agency: THIS IS DEFINITELY REAL AND ACTUALLY HAPPENING! OMG!

To everyone else: This is a simulation, with our own Trader Joe Catz playing the role of Phillies' GM. Trevor is the assistant GM, Cormican is the Director of Player Development, and I am the Head Groundskeeper and Jon Heyman's inside source.

Go check out the simulation (so far!) over at Royals Review, SB Nation's excellent Kansas City Royals blog!

We've already acquired Chris Young from Arizona for Jeremy Horst. Booya.

Enjoy. And remember, none of this is real, unless you work for the Ayatollah.

Phils' transactions thus far:

• OF Chris Young from Arizona for LHP Jeremy Horst
• 3B Taylor Green and OF Caleb Grindl from Milwaukee for RHP Justin DeFratus
• 1B/OF Mark Trumbo from Anaheim for RHP Vance Worley and RHP Tyler Cloyd
• RP Chris Perez from Cleveland for 1B/DH/ come on he's not an OF GUYS! LF Darin Ruf
• C/1B Ryan "The Eyes" Doumit from Minnesota for RHP Jonathan Pettibone and RHP Julio Rodriguez
• Phillies sign FA SP John Lannan for 1 year 2MM.
• Phillies acquire RPs Wilton Lopez and Fernando Rodriguez from the Houston Astros for C Sebastian Valle and If Mitch Walding.
• IF David Nick from Arizona for OF Nate Schierholtz
• SP Mike Pelfrey 1 year 3mm with a 6mm team option for 2014 and a 1mm buyout
• phillies sign Wilson Valdez and Chone Figgins to minor league deals with ST invitations.
• Phillies trade Trevor May to the Padres for Ubaldo Jimenez
• Phillies sign FHOF Raul Ibanez to a 1 year 1mm deal. 26 days as a player, followed by 26 days as a coach, based on hot streaks.