If there's one thing Phillies fans are good at, it's freaking the hell out all the time. And if there's two things Phillies fans are good at, they're freaking the hell out all the time and suggesting batshit insane trade ideas.

So with Ryan Howard on the DL for an indeterminate time, and news that Chase Utley and his de facto backup Michael Martinez will both be out to start the season, Phils fans took to Twitter with ridiculous suggestions for how the team can salvage their season.

Because I'm not allowed to be a snarky dick at my day job (at least not online), the crew at The Good Phight invited me to share some of my favorite observations here. Let's take a look, shall we?

I said 2 years ago phillies should trade chase utley and every one looked at me like I was crazy

— shane kerrigan (@kerrigan313) March 25, 2012

Two years ago, after the Phils' completely and totally failed yet again to win the World Series in 2009, Shane Kerrigan suggested trading Chase Utley to fill the obvious hole that the Phillies' had in... uh... well... Um. We don't really know.

But we do know that when Shane Kerrigan suggested trading Chase Utley, who hit five homers in the World Series and was due to make $60 million over the next four seasons, everybody looked at him like he was crazy. Well now who's crazy? Huh?

Hit the jump for more.

Is it a coincidence that Blanton is pitching against the Red Sox this afternoon? Potential trade?!?!? Just saying... #Phillies

— Joe Catrino (@jcatrino) March 26, 2012

No, it's not at all a coincidence that that's how the Phillies rotation ended up. You see, when Rich Dubee was putting together a schedule for his pitchers, he surely said "Well, since Chase is going to be out for a long-ass time and our primary backup is going to go down, we should have Joe Blanton pitch the Monday afternoon game against the Red Sox just in case they decide they want to add another starting pitcher on a whim."

Because that's how baseball works.

@Phillies Think the phils should trade for Darwin Barney. young 2nd baseman could be reliable and maybe play alittle 3rd. .352avg 2nd half

— Stephen Connor (@SC519) March 25, 2012

It's a good thing Stephen brought this idea to the attention of the Phillies' official Twitter account, because I'm sure the Cubs would have no problem letting go of a guy who was listed as their farm system's top defensive infielder in 2009 and hit .279 in his first full season in the majors.

GET ON THAT, PHILLIES TWITTER GUY!

Dear #Phillies, please trade for Ryan Theriot. You should have signed him. Make up for that by trading for him. Sincerely, Jimmy's Jargon.

— Jimmy Johnson (@jimmysjargon) March 24, 2012

I like Jimmy's sense of loyalty here. The Phillies owe it to Ryan Theriot to trade for him because they didn't sign him at a time when they were trying to re-sign Jimmy Rollins and didn't really need another middle-infielder.

Sincerely,
Ryan's Ramblings.

Would you trade Cole Hamels for Brandon Phillips??? I think the Phillies should consider this since we #needasecondbaseman.

— keith richman (@keithrichman126) March 24, 2012

#weneedasecondbaseman so bad that we're willing to trade away the guy that #weretryingtoinktoalongtermdeal because #ourstartingsecondbasemanisgoingtobeontheDLforawhilebutnotmissthewholeseason.

Today I heard on the radio something saying the Yankees could trade with the phillies , Cano for Lee& Brown, LOL, right .

— Sophie ♥ (@Sophi248) March 21, 2012

Other than the fact that Cliff Lee is under team control for the next four years and the fact that he has a limited no-trade clause and the fact that probably wouldn't want to go to New York considering he didn't want to go there when they offered him a bunch of money to do so and the fact that Cano is under team control for just one more year this would be a pretty good trade.

Moral of the story: Just don't listen to sports talk radio. Ever.

@HighCheese any chance the Phillies trade a big arm for a big bat. I.e. Lee for David Wright

— Eric Nelson (@enelson34) March 20, 2012

FINALLY someone making some sense here.

See... because of injuries, the Phillies have a massive, gaping hole at third base... Wait... Um. No. That's not right.

Because of injuries, the Phillies lack depth at second. So we ship out the megabucks starting pitcher we aggressively pursued in free agency last year to a team that in no way can afford him in exchange for a guy who's heading into free agency after this year that we might have been able to just sign anyway.

Then what we do is move our 36-year-old third-baseman to second, a position he hasn't played in over two years, and hope he's able to figure it out on the spot. Then we cross our fingers and hope that this is worth more wins than just playing a rookie instead.

Then, when Polanco's and Wright's contracts expire after this season, all we're out is one of the best pitchers the team has ever seen! It's brilliant!

I don't know if David Murphy ever responded to this tweet, but if he did, I'm sure it was long and rambling and hard to keep up with the kind of excellent analysis I'm used to seeing from one of my professional colleagues.

Trade I'd love to see. Royals trade one of their 2B backups to the Phillies for my buddy John Mayberry Jr. To fill the hole left by Utley

— Koppe (@TKoppe22) March 21, 2012

Because if there's one thing this team has right now, it's too many players capable of playing first-base and right-field, its two other defensive question marks.

Can't stop thinking about it now and an Orioles/ @Phillies trade looks perfect with 3B Mark Reynolds for SP Joe Blanton. Salaries even gel!

— JD Lombardi (@jdlwrites) March 22, 2012

It's perfect because, as we've established, the Phillies really need a corner infielder!

And I can't stop thinking about those Doritos tacos at Taco Bell, but that doesn't mean it would be a good idea to go get one.

ALTERNATE BONUS JOKE!

And I can't stop thinking about those Doritos tacos at Taco Bell, and I bet one of those would produce more runs than Reynolds would.

@JonHeymanCBS A trade of C Brian Schneider and LHP Raul Valdes, for 2B Neil Walker, would help both the Phillies and Bucs.

— Mike(@Mike_Frohwirth) March 22, 2012

I didn't know the Pirates were in dire need of another backup catcher, so much so that they wouldn't mind parting with their only second-baseman with major league experience for the equivalent of a bucket of baseballs.

By the way, did you know that me and Heyman are BFFs now? Because we totally are.

Would you trade Mark Reynolds for Kyle Kendrick? Would the Phils? #Orioles #Phillies

— Steve (@bmorebaseball) March 24, 2012

Yes. No.

It's probably 2 late, but the #Phillies just need to trade Dom Brown at this point for a proven major leaguer, he'll never succeed in Philly

— Glenn Jr (@usfsucks) March 23, 2012

It's never 2 late to give up on Domonic Brown.