To the wise and merciful Lord, BaseBa’al, Defender of the Game,
We implore thee to reserve thy ultimate judgment and reprisal from the Philadelphia Phillies Baseball Franchise and the members thereof.
We ask of thee to leadeth their grounders into safety, to increaseth the luck of the BABIP with their line drives, and for their fly balls to saileth into the Promised Land of the Garden of Eden in Center Field and Ashburn Alley. May their swings be productive and their balls be plentiful and may your many followers in the bleachers surrounding the outfield acquireth multiple souvenirs during this long continued Run of Plenty.
We humbly entreat thee to allow the hurlers of our Beloved Franchise to continue missing the bats of their enemies while never missing the hands of their catchers who are in the finest tradition of the Tribes of Bob Boone. May their BABIP be continuously lowered along with all flyballs and grounders finding their way into the dependable hands of thy faithful servants in the luscious green grass and curated dirt.
We beseech of thee to prevent injury and to permit a rapid revivification of those who have momentarily left us, especially the one called The Big Piece and the one called YATM. We once again pleadeth with thee to lift the Curse of Second Base away from this Team forevermore.
We ask thee to protect and guide both the decisions of Charles F. Manuel and Ruben Amaro, Junior. Leadeth Charlie away from the folly of multiple Juan Pierre appearances and Ruben to maketh the correct call on the one called Hollywood and on any potential acquisition he may maketh in the middle of the Battle of 2012.
Finally, we deferentially propose the following petitions for thy compassionate deliberation:
For Many Victories
For the Scoring of Many Runs
For Above Replacement Production in the First Two Months
For Plentiful Pinch Hits
For the Ease of Jonathan Papelbon Saves
For the Perpetuation of the Open Window
For Another 100 Wins
For the Smiting of Our Enemies
For Another Division Title and Pennant
For Another World F*cking Championship
We ask all of these things in thy just and forgiving name, O wise BaseBa’al.