Hi, it’s ZWR, from I Want to Go to the Zoo with Roy Halladay, the world’s foremost blog about wanting to go to the zoo with Philadelphia Phillies pitcher, 2010 Cy Young Award Winner, defending Amazon basin anaconda wrestling champion, and all-around awesomehead Harry Leroy Halladay III (visit us online at www.zoowithroy.com). When the kindly dorks at The Good Phight approached me with the prospect of writing a season preview for Doc, I was a little taken aback. It’s pretty daunting to be given the challenge of prognosticating a given.
"Hey Rick, do you have SB Bleacher Report log-in? Do me a solid and shoot over a prediction on whether or not the sun will rise tomorrow morning." Gee thanks, donkeys. So I had questions:
"Do I have to use stats and stuff?"
"You sure? Because I don’t know any of that but would love to make it up."
"But aren’t you and your readers giant geeks?"
"Like, Roy Halladay’s xFIP is tangent and his replacement value is blowjob."
"Wait what no."
"Now that you mention it, made up acronyms mocking sabermetrics are kind of passe and uncreative. Fine, I’ll do it. The normal appearance fees* apply."
-- Agreement reached. Moving on. --
Well worth the sacrifice inherent in taking on a task that calls not upon foresight and offers not the glory of thrilling prediction (though I totally want to impress Disco Stu) is an opportunity to speak to greatness... to perfection. And that is what Roy Halladay represents. That is what I anticipate this season. Summarily put: more greatness.
"But ZWR, our offense is the worst thing ever did you see that we might start Juan Pierre he has an OPS of .210 and looks like Mr. Burns in his baseball uniform and Placido Polanco’s batting like third and Chase Utley died!!!"
Noted. This may cause Roy to post fewer than 20 wins and, oh I don’t know, represent itself at the worst possible time as something like a soul-crushing 1-0 defeat, but that doesn’t really have any impact on whether or not Roy’s breaking faces.
We’re not our crazy tradesmen uncles at the corner bar yelling about 20 win seasons! No, we’ve read (skimmed parts of) the Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract, sneak onto Fangraphs at our cubicle during our mocha breaks, and know better than the unsophisticated. (No offense, macho uncles)
And the intellectually driven, forward-looking opinion is that Roy Halladay will be Roy Halladay. His style (specifically: not giving up many runs over the course of a baseball game and imposing his will when the situation calls for it) will lend itself to low-scoring contests if need be, and the peripheral benefits** of having a pinnacle ace will help to buoy the club in other regards. Trust me, I’m totally unbiased.
A billionty strike-outs, like seven or eight walks, <oh stop it, it’s not too many> pitches, eleventy-billion stairs climbed, face-breaking cutters, a low ERA, a miniscule WHIP, perfectly-timed death stares, humanity-affirming selflessness, and a tireless work ethic that can’t help but to lead and motivate teammates … that’s what you’re going to see from Roy Halladay (again) this year. Important parenthetical.
The "again" makes Roy unique, and it speaks to his superb ability to consistently provide all elements of the shot (each of which merits focus, depending on the picture you want developed)- performance, character, ability, and effort. It’s why I can’t predict anything other than success for Doc, and why you shouldn’t expect anything else.
Oh and I also predict I will go to the zoo with Roy Halladay and that the Phillies will win the World Series.
** I don't really know what this means but assume having him around is awesome.