Back during the Ryan Howard prelude-to-Phillies-greatness 2006 MVP season, my friends and I developed a drinking game to help ease us through some of lousy baseball we were watching on a nightly basis. The rules were simple and mostly self-loathing in nature: Drink when Pat Burrell strikes out, drink when Bobby Abreu takes a siesta in right, etc. We built on this model every year, with the official rules being published after the ASG in order to accurately reflect the character of a given season. Considering our collective misery this year, I decided to share the 2012 iteration of our drinking game with the awesome TGP community. I welcome any comments and suggestions.
Let me know what you think. Effects are cumulative, so if Hunter Pence hits an RBI single in 8th inning to give the Phillies the lead, you will probably have to finish your drink. The number in parentheses is the average number of times you would need to drink for each rule per game this season, in case you are worried that you can't handle your Zimas (Goldschmidt). All stats are from baseball-reference.com.
- Drink once when a player reaches base, whether through a hit, walk or error. (12.1)
- Drink once when a player puts the first pitch they see in play, for an out. (2.3) Drink twice if they are facing a new pitcher.
- Drink once when the Phillies record a run in the 5th-9th inning. (1.9)
- Drink once when a player records a RBI. (4.0) Drink again if that RBI is recorded with 2 outs. (1.7)
- Drink once when a player hits a frozen rope line drive....right at someone. (1.3)
- Drink once when a player records a hit with a runner on second base, and the runner does not score. "Juan Samuel Rule" (.2)
- Drink once for each Phillie position player with a lower batting average than the Phillies' starting pitcher. (.78)
- Drink once every time an out is recorded with a runner(s) in scoring position that fails to either advance or score said runner(s).
- Drink once when the Phillies' Player of the Week is currently in a terrible slump. Finish your drink if said player did something stupid in the last half inning.
- Drink once when the Phillies are retired in order on less than 10 pitches.
- Drink once when a Phillie's pitch chart for a given at-bat looks something like this: ball, ball, strike (swinging) (ball in dirt), ball, strike (swinging), strike (swinging). *Open to interpretation*
Player Specific Rules
Jimmy "Too Much Swagger for this Shit" Rollins
- Drink once when the following is true: Jimmy Rollins leads off the inning with an out. Juan Pierre then singles.
- Drink once when Jimmy Rollins leads off the inning with a home run. (.03) Finish your drink if he pops up his next three at-bats.
- Drink once when Jimmy Rollins hangs his head in shame after popping up.
- Drink once when Jimmy Rollins makes a play at shortstop that makes you want to like him.
Juan "Should Probably Talk Like a Hatian, but Doesn't" Pierre
- Drink once when Juan Pierre does anything other than hit a single or walk. (2.0)
- Drink once when Juan Pierre loses his helmet sliding into a base.
- Drink once whenever you think that Pat Burrell would have made a better play on a ball hit to left field than Juan Pierre.
Chase "Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law" Utley
- Drink once when Chase Utley gets hit by a pitch.
- Drink once when Chase Utley makes a Freddy Galvis-esque play at second base. Wait...what?
- Drink once whenever Chase Utley gives you some kind of hope for this team.
Ryan "Safe Bet to Suck Worse Against Lefties" Howard
- Drink once when Ryan Howard crumbles to the ground in agony in the last at-bat of the Phillies' 2012 season.
Hunter "WE COULD'VE HAD MICHAEL BOURN" Pence
- Drink once when Hunter Pence swings at the first pitch. Drink twice if the pitch is clearly a ball. Finish your drink if the pitch is an eye-level fastball.
- Drink once when Hunter Pence hits a home run when the Phillies are either of the following: a) losing badly or b) winning by a lot.
- Drink once when Hunter Pence goes full retard in right field.
- Drink once when Hunter Pence measures his socks with a loaf of bread.
Carlos "With the Way This Season is Going, Probably Going to Get Kneecapped by Overzealous Border Patrol Next Week" Ruiz
- Drink once preemptively when Carlos Ruiz steps to the plate just because he is awesome.
- Drink once when Carlos Ruiz gets on base in a clutch situation (7th inning or later, Phillies are up by one run, tied, or losing by no more than two runs). (.25)
- Drink once whenever Carlos Ruiz guns down a runner attempting to steal.
Placido "You Know What They Say About People With Big Craniums" Polanco
- Drink once when Placido Polanco hits a slow groundball somewhere in the infield and is just barely out at first. Finish your drink if his head explodes following the play.
- Drink once when Placido Polanco makes an amazing play at third base for a guy with an 18-pound head.
Shane "Consigned to Suckitude when I drafted him with my 3rd pick" Victorino
- Drink once when Shane Victorino pops out (this rule may only be invoked three times per game). (1.2)
- Drink once when Shane Victorino strikes out looking and blinks a bunch of times in disbelief.
- Drink once when a Phillies' pitcher records a 1-2-3 inning.
- Drink once when
Jerry Hairston Jr. Scott Hairston Senior (career .439 slugging percentage) hits a home run against the Phillies.
- Drink once if a close-up of Vance Worley on the mound is shown and he IS NOT sweating.
- Drink once when an opposing player gets a hit with either of the following: a) An 0-2 count OR b) 2 outs. Finish your drink if said hit scores a run.
- Consume one meatball when an opposing player crushes a Joe Blanton fastball. Add parmesan cheese if Joe spins around in disbelief, wondering how a meatball could travel so far.
- Drink once when Cliff Lee watches from the dugout as the bullpen surrenders a lead, preventing him from a win.
- Drink once when Antonio Bastardo is brought into the game to face a bunch of righties, and promptly gives up runs.
- Drink once when Johnathan Papelbon takes more than 30 seconds to choose between fastball and slider.
- Drink once when Gary Matthews strings together a coherent sentence (Must have a verb, subject and noun. Must make sense in context of game being played).
- Drink once when T-Mac refers to Giancarlo Stanton as Mike Stanton.
- Drink once when T-Mac or Wheels insinuate that Sarge is dumb.
- Drink once when Chris Wheeler says something about Marple Newtown.
- Drink once when Chris Wheeler won't shut up about how good an opposing player is.
- Drink once when Chris Wheeler says any of the following: "crooked number", "funky delivery", "We'll see how they score it", "Now you just hate to see that", "It's been a really weird game", "No doubt about it."
- Finish your drink and cry a little when the final box score reads: WP - Hamels LP - Kendrick
- Drink once if three of the following players appear in the Phillies' starting lineup: Brown, Fontenot, Martinez, Orr, Luna, Gillies, Hernandez, Valle. Turn off the television if all the preceding players appear in the aforementioned lineup.
- Drink once if a Phillies' position player makes an incredible play on a ball with the Phillies 18 or more games out of 1st place.
- Finish your drink if the Phillies are 7 games out of a wild card spot or less on September 1st, CAUSE THEY ARE MAKING THE PLAYOFFS!