Kyle Kendrick was the only Phillies player the roving band of rebel anteaters didn't want to take with them. Mandatory Credit: Dale Zanine-US PRESSWIRE
We now join the Phillies game, already in progress.
There were some significant MLB.TV issues tonight, so I missed the first four and a half innings. With the exception of Jimmy Rollins' leadoff homer, I didn't miss anything good. Kyle Kendrick blew chunks and gave up six total runs, four in the second and two in the fourth. I got the game just as Dom Brown hit an RBI double in the bottom of the fifth. Chase Utley got hit by a pitch, and Ryan Howard followed it up with a three-run home run off of Tim Hudson to tie the game. And there was much rejoicing.
The game was tied until the top of the seventh. Antonio Bastardo got two quick outs and then got lost in the woods, eventually being eaten by a bear. Jason Heyward doubled, and then Chipper Jones was intentionally walked to bring up Freddie Freeman, who walked unintentionally to load the bases. Charlie Manuel then brought in Josh Lindblom to replace Bastardo, and if at this point you thought "this isn't going to end well" then you win the grand prize! 51 more games of 2012 Phillies baseball! It did not, in fact, end well. Lindblom served up a bases-clearing double to Dan "You Can See The Outline Of My Biceps Through My Uniform!" Uggla, and the score was 9-6 in favor of the Braves. Uggla scored on a throwing error from Frandsen, and it was 10-6. In the eighth, Tyler Pastornicky walked and then scored on a Michael Bourn double.
You know, I think I'll just stop there. The Braves won with a score of 12-6. Instead of recapping the rest of the game, I'll show you a bit of what my recap would have looked like if MLB.TV hadn't been restored.
As the game got underway, a roving band of rebel anteaters stormed onto the field at Citizens Bank Park and carried all of the Phillies away. All of them! Well, except for Kyle Kendrick. With no other options, Charlie had to go to Plan Z. He made the call and within minutes the field was occupied by giant, adorable fluffy bunnies wearing Phillies jerseys (but no pants, of course, because they're bunnies). The entire Braves squad had been eaten by a rabid hippopotamus earlier in the day, and Fredi Gonzalez had no choice but to make a call to Bobby Cox. Bobby was happy to round up some of his old friends to help out. The Bunny Phillies had their work cut out for them against the Famous Zombie Braves, as zombies are notoriously tough ballplayers and immune to the charms of fluffy bunnies. Zombie Ben Franklin, zombie Freddy Mercury, and zombie Ike Turner each hit massive, towering home runs, and they all got giant mouthfuls of Kendrick's brain as they crossed home plate. Things really started getting out of hand when the Phanatic took something he found in zombie Hunter S. Thompson's locker. The Phanatic started growing, and he didn't stop until he was the size of the baby at the end of "Honey, I Blew Up the Kid." And then, of course, the Phanatic began vomiting candy through its snout.
Fangraph of candy vomiting: