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Below is an actual email conversation I had with Michael Baumann, good friend and writer over at Crashburn Alley.
My hatred for Chipper is so strong and so intense that I struggle to put it into words. There are times that I worry that my hatred will become a sentient being. It will separate itself from me and rampage angrily through the baseball stadiums of America until it finds Chipper, douses him in Hooters wing sauce, and slowly devours him feet first. Actually, I don't worry about that happening. That would be pretty rad. If it happens, I think I'll name my sentient hate-being Larry, because that's Chipper's real name SERIOUSLY OH MY GOD HE'S A 40 YEAR OLD MAN USING THE NAME CHIPPER IS HE BRAIN DAMAGED?
He's such a jackass I hate him so much.
It has to be peer pressure. That's why they're honoring him. (Or, that's the best reason I can come up with.) "Everyone else is doing it! If we don't, we're going to look stupid!" Sometimes, Phillies, it's better to look stupid and be right. I mean, I can understand why the Mets "honored" him. Larry (that's his God given name, so that's what I'm calling him) terrorized the Mets during his career. Say, did you know that Larry named one of his kids Shea after the now nonexistent stadium? I can't even begin to fathom how douchebaggy someone has to be to do something like that. "Yes, I think I'm going to name my new son after the baseball stadium where I am always so awesome, so every time I say his name I will be reminded of my own awesomeness." I admire the restraint of Mets fans for not grabbing torches and pitchforks and staging their own march to Atlanta to exact revenge, because that is one massive "fuck you" to a team and a fan base. What an asshat. Unless the Phillies are getting him an actual ass hat as a parting gift, I can't imagine what they'll be giving him.
I have no doubt he smells bad. His face is always that weird mottled red color, and I like to imagine that he's just been slapped by a Hooters waitress. Hey, did you know he's also a dickbag to his fellow teammates!? Remember last year when he made those comments about how Jason Heyward should just play through his shoulder pain? How considerate of him to call the Braves most important young position player a wuss in the media. It's not like he'd *need* that shoulder for swinging a bat or throwing a ball or anything. Play through the pain, Jason, and risk your future career! Larry thinks you're weak! Larry, the owner of numerous surgeries for knee issues and countless stints on the DL, is in no way being hypocritical by saying this!
Larry hit "undignified" when he decided that Hooters was the place he wanted to spend part of his giant paycheck... among other things. And if that didn't actually bring him to "undignified", his intolerable, incomprehensible Twitter feed certainly did. "Mike b and jhey go yicketty! The roadrunner went mammo!" What does that even mean? Did a backwoods possum teach him how to read and write?
The retirement of Larry doesn't mean I'll stop hating him. I have always hated him, and I always will. From the beginning of time to the end of the earth, through famine, an asteroid attack, or even nuclear war, my hatred will be there. Like cockroaches. Or Keith Richards. While my hatred may be never ending, his baseball career (thankfully) is not. After this weekend, he is blessedly gone from Citizens Bank Park forever.
I look forward to revisiting all of this in five years when he's probably inducted into the Hall of Fame after the first ballot. We have all that time to let our feelings about him marinate and ferment and age like good wine or cheese or moldy penicillin bread. But in the meantime, good riddance, Larry, and don't let the door hit you in the assface on the way out.