The Chipper Jones Character Assassination Email Chain

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Below is an actual email conversation I had with Michael Baumann, good friend and writer over at Crashburn Alley.

12:40 PM

Dearest Elizabeth-

I hate Chipper Jones. I don't like him. I don't like his jerk-off name. I don't like his jerk-off face. I don't like his jerk-off behavior, and I don't like him, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear? For 17 years he's tormented me. That's almost literally as far back as I can remember. He torments me with his stupid smile and his stupid switch-hitting Hall of Fame power. He torments me with that yukking-it-up good ol' boy bro-ish attitude. He is as rubishly detestable as everyone from around here thinks all Southerners are. And he torments me by making the Braves good. I'm glad to be rid of him. Your thoughts?

-Mike


12:55 PM

Fairest Mike-


My hatred for Chipper is so strong and so intense that I struggle to put it into words. There are times that I worry that my hatred will become a sentient being. It will separate itself from me and rampage angrily through the baseball stadiums of America until it finds Chipper, douses him in Hooters wing sauce, and slowly devours him feet first. Actually, I don't worry about that happening. That would be pretty rad. If it happens, I think I'll name my sentient hate-being Larry, because that's Chipper's real name SERIOUSLY OH MY GOD HE'S A 40 YEAR OLD MAN USING THE NAME CHIPPER IS HE BRAIN DAMAGED?

He's such a jackass I hate him so much.

-Liz


1:09 PM

Liz-

The name thing really gets me. I couldn't have come up with a stupider nickname myself. "Anus boogers" is a more dignified nickname than "Chipper." And to think that to Braves fans, he's like Chase Utley. He's their standard-bearer. Don't get me wrong, he's a phenomenal player, but really? Why do people like this guy? He's like Brett Favre with Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Chase Utley saves animals in his spare time. Chipper Jones litters the former Confederacy with children by women not his wife. I don't mean to come off as puritanical, but it's not like we're talking about Cal Ripken here. What are the Phillies doing honoring this clown?

-Mike

1:22 PM

Mike-

It has to be peer pressure. That's why they're honoring him. (Or, that's the best reason I can come up with.) "Everyone else is doing it! If we don't, we're going to look stupid!" Sometimes, Phillies, it's better to look stupid and be right. I mean, I can understand why the Mets "honored" him. Larry (that's his God given name, so that's what I'm calling him) terrorized the Mets during his career. Say, did you know that Larry named one of his kids Shea after the now nonexistent stadium? I can't even begin to fathom how douchebaggy someone has to be to do something like that. "Yes, I think I'm going to name my new son after the baseball stadium where I am always so awesome, so every time I say his name I will be reminded of my own awesomeness." I admire the restraint of Mets fans for not grabbing torches and pitchforks and staging their own march to Atlanta to exact revenge, because that is one massive "fuck you" to a team and a fan base. What an asshat. Unless the Phillies are getting him an actual ass hat as a parting gift, I can't imagine what they'll be giving him.

-Liz

1:53 PM

Liz-

An ass hat. I like it. I betcha we could scrounge up some extra butt from Antonio Bastardo and put it on Chipper's head. Or maybe Tony No-Dad should just sit on Chipper's head. I'd like to sit on Chipper's head. I think it's telling that we hate Chipper for reasons that have relatively little to do with his on-field performance. That his off-the-field douchebaggery is so great that the horrific acts of run production he's perpetrated against the Phillies pale in comparison. It's possible to be a valiant adversary and be respected upon one's departure. Greg Maddux, I believe, was such an adversary. Chipper Jones is a Clemson frat boy with a 141 OPS+. The sight of him makes me want to jump off a bridge. I bet he even smells bad.

-Mike

2:32 PM

Mike-

I have no doubt he smells bad. His face is always that weird mottled red color, and I like to imagine that he's just been slapped by a Hooters waitress. Hey, did you know he's also a dickbag to his fellow teammates!? Remember last year when he made those comments about how Jason Heyward should just play through his shoulder pain? How considerate of him to call the Braves most important young position player a wuss in the media. It's not like he'd *need* that shoulder for swinging a bat or throwing a ball or anything. Play through the pain, Jason, and risk your future career! Larry thinks you're weak! Larry, the owner of numerous surgeries for knee issues and countless stints on the DL, is in no way being hypocritical by saying this!

-Liz

2:55 PM

Liz-

Remember that whole respectable adversary thing? Jason Heyward is a respectable adversary. Imagine if one of the Braves' veterans when he was coming up had been so unaccommodating to young Larry Wayne. Imagine if Mark Lemke had said, "Actually, I think Chipper needs to sack up a bit if he's going to beat Nomo for rookie of the year." Well done, Chipper, you're less dignified than Mark Lemke.
Chipper Jones brings out the worst in good people. Or, at least he brings out the worst in me. Is this campaign of character assassination petty? Sure. I don't care. Being rid of Chipper Jones is like getting over the flu. I'm thrilled that after this weekend I'll never have to watch him play against the Phillies ever again. There is no depth too low when it comes to insulting Chipper Jones. I will sacrifice my dignity to express my disgust. That's what hatred is. Farewell, Chipper. I will not miss you in the slightest.

-Mike

3:13 PM

Mike-

Larry hit "undignified" when he decided that Hooters was the place he wanted to spend part of his giant paycheck... among other things. And if that didn't actually bring him to "undignified", his intolerable, incomprehensible Twitter feed certainly did. "Mike b and jhey go yicketty! The roadrunner went mammo!" What does that even mean? Did a backwoods possum teach him how to read and write?

The retirement of Larry doesn't mean I'll stop hating him. I have always hated him, and I always will. From the beginning of time to the end of the earth, through famine, an asteroid attack, or even nuclear war, my hatred will be there. Like cockroaches. Or Keith Richards. While my hatred may be never ending, his baseball career (thankfully) is not. After this weekend, he is blessedly gone from Citizens Bank Park forever.

I look forward to revisiting all of this in five years when he's probably inducted into the Hall of Fame after the first ballot. We have all that time to let our feelings about him marinate and ferment and age like good wine or cheese or moldy penicillin bread. But in the meantime, good riddance, Larry, and don't let the door hit you in the assface on the way out.

-Liz

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