Michael Martinez. Because Michael Martinez. Because No Other Reason Makes Sense.

Phillies sign CF Caption Correction to a minor league deal. - Marc Serota

Michael Martinez, sadly, is back. Because he is the player we deserve.

Why? Nobody knows. Perhaps the Phillies want more identical triple-slashing. Perhaps we are terrible fans and don't deserve any better.

Martinez, who was an actual, honest to God free agent just a couple hours ago, is once again our problem. I mean, come on. The guy managed seven hits this year. His line was .175/.175/.175/.350, over 40 PAs. He OPS+'d -3. MINUS THREE! His CAREER line is .187/.234/.261/.495, over 396 PAs. Seriously, this guy is only a marginally better batsman than Cliff Lee.

Baseball-Reference.com. Seriously, though, don't click that. Unless you've got a hernia or something and need a distraction from the pain. Of course, the player sponsor for his page notes that Martinez looks like a cat named Mopo. So, maybe there's something there.

Seriously, fuck this shit, Ruben. Aren't there about sixty thousand guys who could outhit this dude? I mean, it's a minor league deal, but still. Mopo the Cat could outhit Martinez.

But hey. There's humor to be found everywhere, right? This story broke on our sister site, MLBDailyDish.com, but this joke's on them:

...and will provide valuable depth at every position for the Phillies throughout next season.

Yeah.

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