Durbin, Durbin, Durbin - Phillies 8, Royals 9

I hate you. - Elsa

To the tune of Ned Washington's Rawhide.

Durbin, Durbin, Durbin,

Durbin, Durbin, Durbin,

Durbin, Durbin, Durbin,

Durbin, Durbin, Durbin,

You suuuuuuuuuck!

Durbin, Durbin, Durbin,

Though your stats are swollen,

Keep them runners scorin',

You suuuuuuuuuck!

Fastballs, changeups, throwin'

None of them are workin',

Wishin' you were not on this team.

All the bats you're hittin',

Only one you're missin',

No mat-ter how you grip the seams.

Bring 'em in, load 'em up

Load 'em up, bring 'em in

Bring 'em in, load 'em up

Ball Four!

Bring 'em in, load 'em up

Load 'em up, bring 'em in

Bring 'em in, load 'em up

Ball Four!

Keeps pitchin', pitchin', pitchin',

Though dogs are disapprovin',

Keep those runners scorin'

You suuuuuuuuuck!

Don't try to understand him,

Coach seems to like him,

Soon we'll be firmly in last place.

My heart's calculatin',

While pinstripes Durbin's wearin',

Be watchin' at the end of the race.

Bring 'em in, load 'em up

Load 'em up, bring 'em in

Bring 'em in, load 'em up

Ball Four!

Bring 'em in, load 'em up

Load 'em up, bring 'em in

Bring 'em in, load 'em up

Ball Four!

Apologies to Ned Washington and Clint Eastwood for butchering their song, Wet Luzinski for treading on his turf, and all of you for forcing this glurge upon you.

In any case, I can't stomach writing much about today's turdfest of a game. The Phillies took a solld 4-0 lead in the first on consecutive singles from Ben Revere, Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley. After Ryan Howard struck out, Michael Young and and Domonic Brown also singled, and Erik Kratz hit a sac fly. James Shields was getting BABIP'd to death, the symptoms of which Phillies' fans are quite familiar.

Cole Hamels was erratic, to say the least. He managed to tie it together well enough until the fifth. With the Phils up 4-2, Chris Getz (and OMG the Getz jokes on twitter) doubled to right (and OMG Ezekiel Carerra sucks), Alex Gordon snaked an infield hit moving Getz to third, and Alcides Escobar drew a walk, bringing up Billy Butler with the bases loaded.

6-4Royals.

Hamels continued to suck in the sixth, allowing a two-out single to pitcher James Shields, a double to Gordon, and another walk to Escobar. That would do it for Hamels, as Charlie Manuel came out of the dugout to summon a suitable high-leverage reliever...

[Charlie Manuel inner monologue] Lessee, we've got, like, Jonathan Papelbon, but he's the Closer, and only pitches in the ninth, like. There's Mike Adams you know, but he's the Veteran Setup Guy, and he only, like pitches the eighth unless he jus' needs, uh, uh, to get some work in. Antonio Bastardo, you know, is pretty good, but he's the Young Setup Guy, and only pitches in the seventh, unless he like needs to get work in also. There's Phillippe Aumont, but he's French or somethin'. I could go get Raul Valdes, but I think we traded him to Seattle or something. Have to talk to Rooben. Like, huh. There's Jeremy Horst, but, like, he pitched yesterday, you know. Guess I'll get Chad Durbin up, like.[/Charlie Manuel inner monologue]

So, Chad Durbin came in to face Billy Butler in a two-run game with the bases loaded.

8-4 Royals.

The Phils would mount a brief comback in the ninth, scoring four runs on the Royals' versions of Durbin, Juan Gutierrez and Greg Holland, culminating in a gut-wrenching nine-pitch at-bat by Erik Kratz against Kelvin Herrera for the final out.

The Phillies are just not very good right now. They're 2-4 on the season, and problems, or potential problems, appear to be everywhere. Essentially, aside from Utley and Brown and Cliff Lee, this team looks to be on a collision course with a gigantic oil tanker filled with shit. But it's still early in the season; there's still plenty of time to work out the kinks.

Having dropped their earliest interleague series in over 130 years of being a Professional Base Ball Club, the Phillies remain at home to host the New York Mets in a three-game series starting tomorrow, before heading back to Florida for more Spring Training to face the Miami Laughingstocks (says the Phillies fan) next weekend.

Fangraph of suck:


Source: FanGraphs

What's that? Oh, you can't see the Fangraph that small? Fine.

Source: FanGraphs

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