Tyler Cloyd and Nobody Else - Diamondbacks 3, Phillies 2

Martin Prado fell asleep while batting because he's so boring. - Christian Petersen

Last night's game sucked. This one started out with such promise.

But it sucked worse. Hard to believe.

The Phillies jumped out to an early 2-0 lead, as Jimmy Rollins took Ian Kennedy's first pitch deep for his 44th career leadoff homerun; with a second run tacked on when Domonic Brown drove in Michael Young.

And that was pretty much it. The #GodBacks climbed within one in the first, on an RBI double from Eric Chavez, but things quickly took a ride on the Boring Bus.

Tyler Cloyd, starting in place of an injured Roy Halladay (sheds a tear; drinks bleach), pitched wonderfully. Six and a third innings, two hits, three walks, four strikeouts. He was charged with two runs, but, as is frequently the case when the #2013Phillies have an excellent pitching performance, couldn't carry the mediocre offense.

The Phils combined for seven hits off JFK's grandson's third cousin, but pretty much none consecutively after the first inning. Chase Utley blasted one to deep center, which clanked off the glove of Gerardo Parra, but Utley was closely thrown out trying to stretch it into a triple. Ryan Howard grounded out into the shift twelve times. Rollins, after his leadoff homerun and a second inning single, popped up enough times to go to the moon and back.

In sum, the offense was as bad as the Scotts' guy. FEED YER LAWN! FEED IT (crushed by monster trucks).

Cloyd was pretty damn good, though. He's not an ace, he's not really a prospect, he's a long man/fifth starter. We know that. But the team needed him to pitch like a stopper tonight, and he did. It just wasn't enough.

I don't know what else to say. Cody Ross can eat a bucket of dicks, I guess. This was legitimately the most boring game of the year. Losing 14-2 to the Marlins was better than this. The 10-1 drubbing by the Southeastern Detroit Technical College Lloyd's Motor Barn squad was better than this. The Diamondbacks are just a boring team. Aside from Douchebag McGee, there's really no-one to hate; their stadium has a hot tub in the outfield for some reason (chicks, I suppose, but it's like 900 degrees in Phoenix). But they're just a boring team. And the Phillies are too. Honestly. Aside from Utley and Brown and maybe Michael Young, they're just tedious.

Fangraph of just using last night's gag fangraph because it's easier and fundamentally the same and you can fuckoff if you don't like it:


With the loss, the Phillies drop to, like 3-62 or something. They're like ten games behind Franklin's Hardware Store in the West Midtown Adult League. The Diamondbacks are probably gonna be relegated to the Gulf Coast League for Boring Teams. Good night, folks. See ya'll laterz.

Quickly going aroundtheleaguearoundtheleaguearoundtheleague, the Cardinals' Shelby Miller allowed a leadoff single, then retired 27 in a row. Damn. FHOFRI Raul Ibanez hit a three run homerun should of kept. Domingo Santana hit like seven homeruns at AA Corpus Christi, but it's not like the Phillies need more offensive production (drinks more bleach).

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