Deduction: Brewers 4, Phillies 3

Portrait of a killer. - Mike McGinnis

You knew it would come to an autopsy recap eventually. Don't lie.

When you write enough of these recaps, you start to get the feeling that people will already know what you're going to say before you say it. Like, if I had written the recap for the game before last, I'd think, "Boy, we all kind of know what's going to happen at the point Charlie brings in Horst in the ninth inning of a tie game, against the heart of the Brewers' order, right? We all kind of understand the ending here, yes?" And certainly, not one of us were likely surprised -- right or wrong -- when that tie became a deficit and, simultaneously, a walk-off loss. The denouement there is redundant at best and just downright cruel at worst. You wouldn't, as a doctor, sit your patient down, solemnly put your hand on their shoulder and say, "I'm sorry...your loved one didn't make it. That is to say they passed on and died. Death, of course, being the state wherein one can is unable to commune on the physical plane with the currently living. To be clear, this means that you will not be able to see, talk to, or otherwise enjoy your loved one again, barring belief in particular afterlife scenarios. I'm so very sorry."

So, there's a kind of subtlety to the whole thing, at least ideally. One doesn't need to lay out the manifold reasons that this is not a particularly stirring Phillies team night after night. We get it -- they're kind of mediocre. To build this up as if was exceptional or dramatic just amplifies that deep ennui that this mediocrity provokes, and who wants that? If I could write the Iliad of the 2013 Phillies, why would I want to?

So, like Joe Friday, all I care about now are the facts of the case:

Patient is one Phillies game, versus Brewers, June 8, 2013. Time of death approximately 10:15 PM EST. Cause of death appears to be acute hemorrhage of opposing runs, primarily occurring in the sixth and seventh innings. Acute case of not being able to retire Jean Segura, Ryan Braun, and Aramis Ramirez considered contributing factor to the patient's demise. Patient employed a Kyle Kendrick as protective measure, but it does not appear to have been as effective as it was in the recent past. Kendrick allowed three of the four runs that were fatal for the patient, though it was effective in striking out malignant batters and allowing few of them to reach on walks. The fatal walk was allowed by the Michael Stutes that the patient employed as a counter-measure to the Kendrick's fatal malfunction. Effectivity of the Stutes and the Kendrick are still in question and more data will be needed.

It seems the patient did not go gently into that cold night: abrasions show evidence of a short but unsuccessful rally in the eighth inning, against the generally unproven Brandon Kintzler brand of protection. While two runs were scored in the patient's favor, the larger protective scheme of the malignant team proved more effective than the patient's own offensive cells. It appears the primary offensive cells performed well for the patient, however, and the Michael Young, Kevin Frandsen, Delmon Young, and Domonic Brown pieces may deserve post mortem study. In particular, the Brown cell, which continues to boggle the scientific mind with the persistence and consistency of its home runs, particularly for such a sick organism. May need to extract the Brown cell for further study in different organisms (though larger Phillies host seems aggressively against such a plan).

Concluding remarks: patient was pronounced dead at 10:15 PM EST, but reasonable people might disagree and place the actual time of death one-to-three hours earlier. No demise is routine, but it seems as if this one could have been predicted, if not prevented. As my field is observation, not speculation, I'll conclude without further development of that line of thinking. Electrocardiogram to be found attached to these notes.


Source: FanGraphs

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join The Good Phight

You must be a member of The Good Phight to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at The Good Phight. You should read them.

Join The Good Phight

You must be a member of The Good Phight to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at The Good Phight. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9351_tracker