World War P. Pirates 6 - Phillies 5

Joaquin Pheonix portraying John Lannan in the new Blockbuster World War P - Justin K. Aller

Some will say it's too soon for a game recap. I think it's important to record the events of this day for posterity so other generations may learn from our mistakes (hiring John Lannan).

The First 3 Innings

I meet John Lannan in a bar somewhere in the Carribean, where he's leaning back in his seat drinking a fruity frozen cocktail. He's clearly bothered by the experience and is flustered some by my questions.

Look, people refer to me as a mercenary or a hitman. Sure, people get hurt sometimes, but they come in knowing that might happen. It's not like I go out there to hurt people, they just happen to be standing near home plate and that's dangerous territory when I'm working. Some people get hurt, some walk. It happens. Maybe I should have hit people. Laid down the law, you know?

(He leans back, takes a big drink and giggles)

I suppose I just like danger. You know? That rush you get when you load the bases with no one out, then get out of it. That's like nothing else. The closest you might get is teasing a Grizzly bear with a marshmallow, but does the bear have a bat? No, of course not. He doesn't have the opposable thumbs to control a swing.

You know I should have really charged faster around the bases, but I wanted a close play at the plate. More exciting that way.

(At this he loses his balance and falls off the chair.)

I meet Andrew Mc Cutchen at Ice Station Jolly Roger in Antartica. "Cutch" made millions by making others suffer with his constant stream of hits and walks. It's hard to believe he commutes to Pittsburgh from here every day for games.

Hey, I didn't do anything you wouldn't do. You don't bother holding me on, I'll steal Third. That base is as good as mine. That's really your fault though. I'm not greedy. I'm just an opportunist who saw an opportunity to take something that you didn't care enough to stop me from taking. That Chooch had his hands full just stopping Lannan's junk from rolling to the wall. Do you think he cares about me getting to Third? He doesn't have time to worry about that. Really, Lannan just made it too easy for me to get a hit or walk every time I came up. You looking for someone to blame? Let's just say I didn't make the pitches.

Delmon Young has me meet him at his exclusive compound located well outside the city. The security is impressive.

You like all the security they have for me? They clearly take me seriously and realize how important I was to the struggle. I did my part, I got on, I know what to do with a bat. I know all kinds of things to do with a bat.

The Action begins

I meet with Domonic Brown in Health & Beauty section at the local Giant Eagle Grocery store.

Sorry, had to pick up some shampoo and I figured I may as well kill two birds with one stone. I'm really just happy to help get things started I got a pitch to hit and, well you saw. What Gaby can't grab, Domonic can have. Then Delmon and Revere did their jobs and got me home.

I manage to wake John Lannan and offer him some coffee. He thanks me and pours a daiquiri into it. Clearly he has no control.

Oh, man, Alvarez. I was trying to load the bases again, I really needed that rush. Then, that damned Cutchen guy scores instead of staying at Third. Can you believe the audacity of that guy? I kept putting him on base and that's how he pays me back? [expletive deleted]. Well, at that point, I had to press my luck more with Alvarez. Sure he's got power, but he also swings at meatballs out of the zone. Oh, It's too tempting, Chooch. I need to put one right down the middle, catch him flatfooted. Oh, it's the one pitch I located perfectly all night. I was so close, but when you chase the dragon like that sometimes you get burnt.

McCutchen laughs when I mention the Fifth, and the "favors" Lannan had done for him all night.

Hey, man, I don't make the pitches. I didn't get anywhere they didn't let me.

Delmon Young looks excited when I mention the 6th inning. Two of his security team walk up and speak into his ear, he calms down.

We were going to be right back in it. I did my part, then Chooch and Frandsen got me home safe. I know Michael Young apparently got lucky when that Jody Maceo (Jordy Mercer) had trouble with his hit. Good thing too, as that got Chooch home safe as well. We left too many good men out there to rot. Then that damned (Inappropriate name withheld) let's that Cutch guy get to Third and Martin Russell (close enough) drives him in. Then he pitches the damned ball to Harrisburg and Sanchez guys scores. (Xenophobic rant removed for brevity)

Survival and the End

Jason Grilli asks me to meet him on the field, right on the mound.

I rule the world from here. It's the highest point on the battlefield and when called in to face a squad which once could have been my own. I show no mercy. I make the pitches. Yeah, Jimmy got a double. He's a pro, he can handle himself. It was Domonic Brown, who really caused problems.

Domonic Brown beams when I mention the end times.

You give me a ball that I can send to Heinz Field, I'm going to get a 2-point conversion. (Heinz would be about a 1,000 foot foul ball, but geography isn't a strong suit, one might suppose) We were right there, we had a Closer on the ropes. It was time to win this thing.

Delmon Young becomes agitated when I mention the Ninth.

If I had that bat now, you wouldn't be asking me that question, would you? I'm important dammit, you ^$%& weasel bastard.

The Security detail moves in and restrain Mr. Young. They ask me if I'm okay and lead the prisoner back to his cell.

Fangraph of Apocalypse below.


Source: FanGraphs

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