Don't blame me, cranky-pants. I warned you.
I honestly don't know what you see in this team. Last night, after hours of talking about it after you were in bed, your father eventually talked me out of calling your doctor today about how you stay glued to the television when these Phillies are on like some zombie. I swear, you don't even hear me.
You're doing it again! Stop it! Eyes on me. I AM TALKING TO YOU.
THAT'S IT, I AM CALLING THE DOCTOR RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU RESPOND TO ME.
No, I don't care how many "LOBs" the Phillies had tonight. And speaking of lobs, buster, you have a tennis lesson at EIGHT THIRTY tomorrow morning and I WILL NOT BE DRAGGING YOU OUT OF BED TOMORROW DO YOU HEAR ME? You need to be DRESSED and READY and CLEAR YOUR BREAKFAST DISHES, capiche?
Listen, honey, I don't mind you writing about them over the summer or thinking about statistics because your father and I agree it helps you not get so summer-melt-y. But it's late, and the Braves have a 95% chance of winning and it's just the fifth inning. John Lannan's hurt, honey, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong. It could be his elbow. It looked that way.
No, it's probably not gonorrhea, and I don't appreciate you using that language in our house even if it is used properly. PLEASE stop making me regret I ever signed that permission slip for health class last spring. Stop joking around. Plus you know I see through that and know you're stalling me!
Let's get to it. You realize Zach Miner is a cruel joke being played on your little Phillies fan heart? He's awful, honey. He shouldn't be anywhere other than Lehigh Valley.
Okay, haha, Smarty-Pants baseball kid. Camden. Sheesh, you and your blog friends.
I wish the world weren't so cruel. I wish organizations weren't so cynical. I want to go back to the way things were too, honey. I liked it when we beat the Braves like a drum too.
Now don't cry. O honey. Please. Don't. You know how that.
Good night honey. I love you.
(Yes, I'll wake you if they come back. Okay, fine, if the tying run reaches the plate. WEAR YOUR RETAINER)