Listen up nerds: Phillies 2, Cubs 5, UTLEY FOREVER!!

Boom! Stop worrying about how much I'm making or you're next nerd! - Brian Garfinkel

To celebrate the proposed Chase Utley extension we reached out to our good pal Chase Utley to see if he would recap tonight's game. What follows is an email transcript. Word for F'in Word.

Dear Nerds,

We lost. Again. Cole gave up 2 freaking runs. Seven innings. Dom went ding dong in the second, then this Donnie Murphy kid took one bad pitch off of Cole to tie it up. Seriously, Who the F*%k is Donnie Murphy? Cole got in a little trouble in the fifth, gave up another run, We're down by one then in the seventh I can't even keep my breather going cause I gotta bail these guys out again. BOOM. Tie ball game bitches.

BOOM again. Dude, sorry bout that but I go hard. Navarro blocked that plate tight too. And yes ladies, the knee is fine. Tie ball game, top of the ninth, figure it out. We got kids who were cutting hair pitching where Adams and Bastardo should be. Shit happens. Seriously, Who the F*&k is Donnie Murphy???

So just like that, we drop another one. Phillies lose.

Except wrong BITCHES. Phillies Win. We win cause I'm staying. Forever. Yeah yeah, I know you nerds wanna know all the details with your numbers and shit, trying to figure out the War values of the inflation curve or whatever economic voodoo bratwurst you jokers are into.

Here's the only number you need to know. 215-463-5000 That's the season ticket number. Go ahead and book yourself a seat in the fresh air for next year, and the year after, and for a whole freaking lot more after. Squint you eyes, get out of the basement and get ready for 2014 cause I'm here ladies.

Whats that? But Chase, The Phillies are gonna be crappy. they're gonna lose lots of games!

BULLSHIT!

I didn't take a sweetheart deal (and trust me, It was a sweetheart deal. I might give you dorks some shit from time to time but I don't want to be anywhere else.) because I wanna deal with this crap for the rest of my career. And I sure as shit didn't sign my life away to be part of some big brother program to mentor a bunch of candy ass rookies who couldn't give two shits about picking up balls or hitting fungos. Hell no. Paco knows what he has to do, and we're gonna do it.

And for all you naysayers out there? All you pansy ass P*#&Y's who hide behind you keyboards and talk smack? You know who you are. You think its dumb to resign me cause I might be on the backside of my career? Here's a little info for you.

And ladies, let me know if you agree with this, but Chase Utley's backside has more upside than anyone else you could stick at second for two more years, AMIRITE?

Also, this

So yeah, Stop worrying about the budget and start worrying about watching me continue to do that forever, and pick out a spot on that wall for number 26. Cause the pinstripes are the only stripes I'll ever wear.

Why am I staying? Simple.

I wanna say it one more time. Maybe two.

So go back to your basements, put that through your spreadsheets and figure out who's side your on.

I'll be knocking heads and straightening shit out.

This team ain't the team you root for in 2014. That one? That's my team.

Team Utley.

#embracetheutley

Chase Out.

I don't do graphs. But if I did, it would look like a finger pointing to the sky. Its up to you to figure out which one.

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