Observations from a bullpen game: Phillies 2, Marlins 1

Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Do you want to read about tonight's baseball game? I wrote about it, sort of.

[Up for a trip inside the brain of your fearless Supreme Blog Mistress? You know you are. Tonight's recap was done as the game happened, stream of consciousness style.]

Top of the first: [getting beer from kitchen, yells to empty house] Hey is that Wheels and Sarge doing the game tonight? OH GOOD.

Bottom of the first: This Harvest Pumpkin Ale isn't very pumpkiny. Oh, hey, a Rollins double. I wonder if I could add something to it to make it more pumpkiny. Or that could ruin it. Huh, a walk. If it was more pumpkiny, I could turn it into a tasty float with the vanilla ice cream I have in the freezer. Wait, is that another walk? Oh, never mind, Ruf is up now. Maybe I'll just eat the ice cream, that sounds pretty good. Did Darin Ruf just walk in a run? I'll be damned. Maybe I should have some actual food before I drink. Well, it's too late for that now. But hey, the Phillies have two runs! I deserve this drink!

Top of the second: Um, I'm not sure that Zach Miner should be flipping any bat, regardless of the situation, bus especially if it's a single. Zach Miner is actually German for "doughy ineffectiveness." Dammit, now I want to make bread. Thanks a lot, ZACH.

Top of the third: WHY is this level of Candy Crush so hard? WHY? I wonder if any of the Phillies players are into Candy Crush. [Utley hits single.] I wonder if Utley is into Candy Crush. Wait, I used up all my lives? I HATE HAVING TO WAIT FOR MY LIVES TO REGENERATE.

Bottom of the fourth: [almost chokes to death on a piece of pasta]

Top of the fifth: It's a good thing that screaming foul liner was hit in Miami. It's less likely to hit a fan there than in almost any other stadium. Good Lord this is a long game. Low scoring and long. Long long long looooong long looOOOoooOOOng Lonnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg. Now long doesn't even look like a word anymore. It's all weird, just a random assemblage of letters.

Bottom of the fifth: Hey, it's Michael Stutes and his sassy strikeout walk! When he strikes a batter out, he does this great sassy walk off the mound, all "check me out bitches, yeah I just struck you out, does that make you feel good?" Actually, he has a sassy walk all the time. Yeah, I'm watching him walk! I'm not ashamed! The camera faces his back, I can't really avoid it.

End of the sixth: MLB.TV seems to want me to see just parts of commercials. It keeps cutting them off so I only see snippets. Fast food fries. A new tablet. An upgrade plan for a mobile company that features Bill Hader talking on his phone at a urinal. I've seen the whole commercial so many, many times, but lately it's been cutting off right before he drops his phone into the urinal. So it's just a commercial with a man talking on the phone at a urinal. That's a great advertisement for any product!

Top of the seventh: [Galvis strikeout] You know, I think I want Freddy Galvis to try the high socks again. [Mayberry strikeout] And I'd like John Mayberry to just… leave.

Bottom of the seventh: What would be the best way for John Mayberry to leave the team? After he's non-tendered, of course. (Oh please oh please oh please.) He could pack his belongings in a kerchief and then tie it to a stick and just walk away like a hobo during the depression. He could ride away on a unicycle. Maybe they could attach him to some large balloons filled with helium and set him afloat. I'd be willing to help build a giant trebuchet and shoot him into Delaware. Or into the sun! Hey, I'm out of beer!

Top of the eighth: That ad for Sir Pizza behind home plate is disconcerting, in that I'm not sure I want to eat pizza made by a dude that's been knighted. Fish and chips, maybe. But not pizza.

Bottom of the eighth: I'm getting pretty swoony about Jake Diekman. He's the bestest. He's like the poster child for Nebraska. He looks like Nebraska. Him and Asche should team up and make ads for the Nebraska tourism council. Actually, they should make ads convincing people to move to Nebraska. Their wholesomeness is so very intense, you can feel it through the television! If they asked me to, I might move there. Ok, no I wouldn't, but other people might!

Top of the ninth: [loudly sings Open Arms for no reason at all]

Bottom of the ninth: Jonathan Papelbon might be in the game, but I'm too busy not watching him to pay any attention. Though I can feel his douchiness through my TV. Do I have any peanut butter? I really want some peanut butter. I wish I hadn't forgotten to buy cookies at the store this week, they would have gone great with some peanut butter. I could bake some cookies! I have eggs and milk and... other cookie making things. Whatever they are. I mean, I'll use a recipe. I won't just guess. Or I would use a recipe if I was actually going to make cookies, which I don't think I am because it's after 10pm and I'm tired and I have work tomorrow and this is depressing. BOO JONATHAN PAPELBON! There, I feel better now.

End of game: Phillies win and snap their five game losing streak, Marlins lose their 100th game of the year. And all my lives in Candy Crush are back. That's what's really important.

Source: FanGraphs

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