Cold Open: Marlins 3, Phillies 2

/Holds envelope to head "What is...how many outs I will screw up this evening?" - Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Ladies and gentlemen, if you can't cry anymore, the best thing to do is laugh. Am I right?

Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the 2013 Phillies!

/"APPLAUSE" sign flashes rapidly as light scattered applause travels through the room.

Whoa, hey, not all at once.  You sound as enthusiastic as Mariano Rivera getting his retirement gift from the Phillies.  You guys hear about that? They got him a six-year contract.

Six year contract, yes, this is true.  Mo turned them down, of course, because he said he already had another team he was joining that offered monetary benefits and social camaraderie with a slightly younger crowd than the Phillies -- the AARP.

/Host swings imaginary golf club.

How many of you folks saw the game tonight? Many of you catch the game against the Marlins? No one? You guys catching up after staying up all night for Ted Cruz? Some political junkies in the room? Great, good, that's good; I'm glad someone was watching besides the drunk Rhodes Scholar contingent.  Quick question for Senator Cruz: if you fall asleep standing up and your entire audience is asleep too, did it really happen?  Asking for my friend "The Second Half of the Phillies Season."

But seriously, there was a game tonight: you did not dream the ten hits and two runs the Phillies earned tonight, nor did you dream that Brad Hand was able to hold a group of semi-qualified baseball players to two earned runs over six and a third innings.  Yes, yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard me right.  And you did not dream Cole Hamels pitching a heck of a game and allowing two runs himself on six strikeouts and two walks, only to see the win drift away with Ethan Martin's control of the strike zone.

Hey, what can you say about Martin's control that hasn't been said about the philosophical tenets of Gary Busey? Heh.  Ethan Martin loses track of the zone so much that his GPS is just stuck on the "RECALCULATING" screen on startup. Martin's fastball -- and this is true, folks -- is so fast, white, and out of control that there's a Russian Dash Cam trained on it at all times just in case.

/Host mouths "just in case," while smirking at the audience.

And hey, how about that Brad Hand? I don't want to say that Brad Hand is a dull pitcher, but I started "sliced Wonder bread" in fantasy tonight instead of him.  But we kid, we kid -- I was happy to see Brad hit 93 so often tonight. Used to be the only people who were more consistent in hitting 88 than Brad were Doc Brown and Marty McFly.

Brad took advantage of a Phillies team that is to patience what Delmon Young is to human rights activism.  I'm serious folks, this is true -- if you can't get through five innings against the Phillies with less than 80 pitches, Bud Selig just buys you a Cinnabon to manage and kicks you out of the league. So congrats to Brad for avoiding the Biloxi Mall for another blissful year.

Hey, Cole Hamels, you hear about this guy? I don't want to say anything I can't take back, but the last time I saw run support like Hamels', I was doing a marathon in fifteen year old Keds.  I don't want to say Cole Hamels is unlucky, but I do think he should probably repay that leprechaun he stole his dog from ASAP.  And hey, I don't want to suggest Cole Hamels is unappreciated, but I just heard three callers on WIP suggest that he should be cut and Brian Dawkins signed as his replacement.  But there's precedent for this, ladies and gentlemen: it would not be the first time Weapon X took the place of a cerebral hairy guy.

/Host smiles and swings golf club again while whistling low.

Not much to say about the offense tonight for either team that doesn't start with "Utility Infielder x had a great night with..." Hey, sometimes Adeiny Hechevarria hits a triple to boost his Bondsian 571 OPS, and sometimes Freddy Galvis will get three hits, but when it happens in the same night, well you know you're watching something special.  Special like raw sewage, like Mayonnaise in the sun, like a peanut butter and crude oil sandwich.  And how about Freddy Galvis, huh?  I don't want to say the guy has an empty hit tool, but when I asked schmenkman about what his average was, he said "a C-."

/Host holds for applause.  Mouths "cee. minus."

Oh and speaking of stats that become worse the further you get into your Economics PhD, Chad Qualls picked up the win tonight.  You may remember Chad Qualls as last year's Chad Durbin.  There's no punchline here folks -- that's the joke.

Hey how about those umpires, huh?  These guys had a harder time finding the ball than a set of roughnecks in a Victorian dance party.  These guys had a harder time assigning outs than a public defender.  These guys gave up on the integrity of the game quicker than the Philadelphia radio audience give up on a new idea. These guys are incredibly incompetent and should be replaced by machines.  Again folks, no joke here: move along, move along.

You know, it's not all bad news though, ladies and gentlemen.  Yes, the Phillies with their loss have propelled them into a tie for ninth worst in MLB, which gets them closer to an assured protected pick.  And this is important because otherwise, they might not be able to draft the next player to disappoint an entire fanbase by not immediately being as good as Willie Mays.

And we're going to see the Braves soon, which is always nice.  It's like my father always said: if you get a chance to spend time with a bunch of over-serious, volatile sociopaths, you do it.  It was a close personal philosophy of my father who lived to the ripe old age of 41.  The Phillies, fortunately, have much less time left than that.

/Audience laughs

Ladies and gentlemen, the Phillies may not deserve you, but I certainly do.  Stick around, we have a great show tonight: OM is here!  And comedian Skip Bayless is going to share some of his blistering sports parody with us...

/show runner whispers into Host's ear

...really? He's really serious?  Jeez. Well maybe it won't be a good show, but stick around anyway!  We got four more games after these messages so it's not like you have anything better to do!


Source: FanGraphs

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