The Phillies have two new broadcast analysts, coming at you at a combined 10-20 mph.
The beer-chugging, kitten-coddling Matt Stairs and the reserved, relentless Jamie Moyer are getting an apartment together. But here's the twist - the lease says they can only be there 100 times each, and only 30 times simultaneously! Also, the apartment is in Citizens Bank Park, as well as all other parks the Phillies travel to. Also their landlord is a bumbling Tom McCarthy and Larry Andersen is their weird neighbor who keeps coming over to ask if they have any "drugs" and winking suggestively as if that were a code and not exactly the thing he was looking for.
What I'm saying is Matt Stairs and Jamie Moyer will combine forces to fill the broadcasting vacancy left by Chris Wheeler and Gary Matthews, whose whereabouts are unknown.
Jamie is using the situation to gain leverage in another negotiation.
And my god, they are already the best of friends.
Initially, Comcast decided they'd "streamline the process" without "reinventing the wheel," probably, the corporate schmucks. So they said that the two roles would be cut down to one. Apparently, Stairs and Moyer were both so good they made Comcast go back on a decision.
Which I suppose is difficult to do, since Comcast has never changed since it decided to be a callous, subhuman entity, anyone living in the shadow of which being destined for punishment and humiliation until the day the Earth runs dry of its resources and they jettison away to the next doomed planet, laughing maniacally.
Stairs will broadcast 100 games, and Moyer will do the same, with 30 games of a three-man booth situation in tandem with Tom McCarthy. Both are Phillies icons, having been big parts of the 2008 season that just keeps getting further away, and Comcast may have done the smart thing in giving us not one, but two at-hand outlets for precious memories when the summer grows long.
From what I've heard of them, Moyer is an amiable, if monotone, clear thinker, and Stairs traditionally says things like "hammering your ass" or **dumps two beers on own face in front of screaming auditorium**. There will likely be an adjustment period as they get their legs beneath them, and we will, in all likelihood, wince a few times as they do.
Nevertheless, they're fun choices and I'm sure it will be at least a few days before we're blasting them mercilessly for every little slip-up via Twitter.