Fed up with the team's declining fortunes and the apparent lack of a plan to turn it around, Phillies ownership fired Ruben Amaro, Jr. today. "Ruben tried his best, but he just wasn't very good at his job," said Phillies President David Montgomery. "We thought he could turn this around, but after everything that's happened this spring, yesterday's blowout notwithstanding, it's apparent Ruben has no clue what he's doing."
Amaro didn't really disagree with that assessment. "I'm sad that I wasn't able to bring a third World Championship to this franchise, but let's be honest, I wasn't the right guy for the job. When I played baseball, I wasn't really sure what was going on at all times. That's been equally true, if not more so, as GM."
In a piece published earlier today on ESPN, Jayson Stark unveiled similar concerns from baseball insiders. One anonymous scout, who Stark swears he isn't just making up, insisted that "Amaro was in way above his head. The advances in baseball understanding from a decade ago? Amaro is just barely catching up with where the teams were in the early 2000s."
Another high-level executive, who Stark adamantly denies is his younger brother, said, "Ruben is a good guy, but he just couldn't cut it. When they hired that new analytics guy this off-season, Amaro kept calling him into his office to ask him how to install the network printer and whether Bing was preferable to AskJeeves for searching for international talent. He truly thought that was the new guy's job."
The franchise acted quickly to replace Amaro. Going against the grain as well as all the recommendations from the sources in Stark's article, who Stark refused to name but swore were not his imaginary friends, the team hired Larry Bowa and Dallas Green as co-general managers.
"Bowa and Green teamed up to bring the Phillies their first World Series trophy. They can do it again," said Montgomery.
Inside sources reveal that Phillies ownership was tired with Amaro's wishy-washy attitude. In recent days, Amaro expressed concern that he wasn't sure how the 2014 season was going to play out. That didn't sit well with the team brass. "You won't hear that kind of stuff from Bowa or Green. They'll spit venom to make the team win," said one owner who refused to be identified, because, frankly, no one can really identify the Phillies owners.
For their part, Bowa and Green were quick to insult Amaro and lay down the law. "When you think Phillies baseball, for chrissakes, do you think of a Stanford education and Ruben Amaro, Jr.? No fucking way," shouted Bowa.
Green, pushing Bowa aside and shouting even louder, added, "This team has been too soft for too long. We know what Phillies baseball is and it's Larry, it's me, it's Dutch, it's Dykstra, it's Krukker. It's none of these loafers on the team today who think they can relax on the field. The only way to play winning baseball is to act like an asshole on fire, both on and off the field. That's who Larry and I are, and we will do our best to model that behavior for everyone on this team."
Asked what they are going to look for in acquiring new players for the team, Bowa and Green both answered with enraged disdain. "Are you kidding me? There are two things that matter, and only two. One, a prior association with this team. And two, running against walls and to first base," said Bowa. Green added, "Seriously, has anyone ever shown that anything else matters in winning this game?"
Bowa and Green's first act as co-GM was firing Scott Freedman, the new analytics guy hired in the off-season, whose name Jayson Stark's anonymous source, who definitely was not Stark's barber, could not remember. Asked to comment on the firing, Bowa and Green both just laughed and screamed, in unison, "NO NERDS!"
The team press release addressed the skeptics out there who are worried that Bowa and Green are has-beens who don't know anything about modern baseball analysis. "We are confident that Larry and Dallas know what they're doing. Larry is clearly the best shortstop in franchise history and Dallas knows how to handle people. By reaching back to what worked in 1980, we as a franchise will actually be ahead of the pack. When everyone else is looking for new understanding and insight into the game, relying on what we didn't know back then will be the new market efficiency. Or something like that."
Bowa got in the last word at the press conference: "We will yell, we will scream, we will argue, we will throw people under the bus, we will tell players they are doing it wrong. Mark my words, that type of positive attitude is a guaranteed winning formula."