The Phillies got blown out by the Rockies tonight in an embarrassing lack of non-embarrassing baseball. Jonathan Pettibone, making what we hope is a spot start in place of a soon to be returning Cole Hamels was... rather consistently shitty, and the Phils never recovered.
After a scoreless top of the first, Charlie Blackmon led off with a single to right, Drew Stubbs singled to left and Carlos Gonzalez lined out, hard, to Chase Utley at second. This hit, five feet to either side, was a surefire hit, possibly for extra bases.
This brought up Troy Tulowitzki, who fouled off 200,000,000 pitches. Seriously. They had to delay the game for twelve hours while more baseballs were manufactured. Tulo then walked on the 200,000,001st pitch, bringing up Justin Good at Hockey Because He is Canadian According to Tom McCarthy Morneau, who hit a ground-rule double, scoring Blackmon and Stubbs. Willin Rosario scored Tulo on a groundout, and Nolan Arenado scored Morneau on another hit, before the four-run inning was mercifully brought to a close.
The Rockies were just getting started, though, as Tulo socked a three-run homerun in the second, pushing the score to a nigh-insurmountable 7-0. A scoreless 3rd was a brief respite, before Tulo's fourth-inning RBI double brought home the 8th run.
Pettibone by this point, had thrown approximately two billion pitches and his arm had been replaced at one point by one of those plastic things you throw tennis balls to dogs with. His final line: four innings, nine hits, eight runs, two walks, and a single strikeout. Man, that Tyler Chatwood guy sucks. Oh.
Rockies' hurler Tyler 'Randy Johnson' Chatwood stymied the Phils anemic offense, throwing seven strong innings, allowing two hits and an unearned run around a walk and six strikeouts. The Phillies never really got to him, and Chad Bettis pitched a perfect ninth to close the game out.
I really had high hopes for the gagfactory that this recap was sure to be, but, man, it just isn't working tonight. This game was too lame, and SPACECOMPUTER isn't around right now. So, you're stuck with #WEEDJOKES. Search for that on twitter, and pretend the good jokes are mine, and the bad jokes are someone elses, and that should cover you.
Goodnight. I hear geese outside my house, though, so spring must be here.
Fangraph of WEEDJOKES