Things Brad Lincoln could have done for a living instead of baseball:
- Ice cream man
- High school mascot
- Professional hopscotcher
- Maytag repairman
- Pizza chef
There's one moment I can pinpoint when today's game could have turned out differently. In the bottom of the second inning, the game was tied 1-1. Carlos Ruiz was up with two men on and two outs. He lined to right and the ball was dropping quickly. Ryan Braun rushed forward in a full-out dive and caught the ball, ending the the inning. If that one play had worked out differently, if Ryan Braun hadn't caught the ball, maybe I wouldn't be openly suggesting that Brad Lincoln should have been an ice cream man instead of a baseball pitcher.
No, I probably would be.
Kyle Kendrick was Kyle Kendrick today. This is who he is. He can be decent sometimes, but most of the time he's average to below-average. But those times when he's decent, when you see what he can do, it's like Kendrick is twisting the knife his own mediocrity just stabbed you with. You know he can pitch well and yet he doesn't, and then you're screaming at the radio at a stoplight after Kendrick serves up another home run and the dude in the car next to you is looking at you like he's torn between calling the police and introducing himself. Today was that day. Kendrick surrendered six runs, four earned, over five innings. Ryan Braun, who had himself a game, hit two home runs off Kendrick.
If you have any idea what happens with Ben Revere when balls are hit to him in center field, please put it in the comments, because we should send a giant list to the Phillies to see if they can make Revere *stop screwing up*. Between today's error and his error in Sunday's game, he's cost the Phillies quite a bit in a short amount of time. He went 2-for-5 with a triple today when he wasn't costing the Phillies runs. Do you think his brain is powered by a tiny hamster wheel? And sometimes it takes the little guy a few seconds to get going? Because that is cute! Tiny hamster, tiny hamster wheel, tiny Ben Revere screwing up on the field.
I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that Ben Revere wasn't the only one to commit an error today. Kyle Kendrick and Cody Asche each committed an error, apparently wanting to celebrate opening day at Citizens Bank Park by screwing up.
The Phillies did score four runs today. Four runs is a number of runs that can win games. I mean, it can't win games when the pitching and defense give up eight runs, like on Sunday, or ten runs, like today. But four runs is enough to win games in which the opposing team doesn't score more than three runs. But that day wasn't today.
Today wasn't that day because Ryan Braun feeds off of hatred and anger and boos. He feeds off of your sadness and your fury. The crowd at Citizens Bank Park today booed and jeered Braun loudly, and then Braun shoved it back into their faces. Not just once, but three times. Ryan Braun homered three times today. I mean my god, you couldn't write it better. Braun's third home run of the day (his second three-run jack) was off of Brad Lincoln, who threw Braun an unbelievably awful terrible pitch and had to pay the price. You cannot throw a pitch that bad and not expect it to get walloped. Lincoln gave up four hits, all of them for extra bases. He also hit Jean Segura square on the elbow. A pizza chef wouldn't have done that, Brad. Because a pizza chef would be making pizzas.
I have fun fact for you: since moving into Citizens Bank Park in 2004, the Phillies are 3-8 in opening day games. Wasn't that a fun fun fact?! Don't you want more fun facts? Your lips say "no, no, please god no", but this is my recap, dammit. Luxuriate in my fun facts.
The Phillies have allowed seven unearned runs in their last two games. Ben Revere has two key errors.— Matt Gelb (@magelb) April 8, 2014
Seven is also the same number of runs the Phillies have scored in their last two games combined.
Strangely, the guy whose selling point was, "He's out of options" isn't doing well.— Sixto Lezcano (@mleif) April 8, 2014
He's talking about Brad Lincoln the baseball pitcher, not Brad Lincoln the accountant.
If the score holds, Phillies will be 0-3 in their last 3 home openers and outscored 29-10— Corey Seidman (@CoreySeidman) April 8, 2014
HA HA THAT WAS FUN GUYS WELL THIS HAS BEEN GRAND BUT I NEED TO GO SHOVE MY HEAD INTO A BUCKET OF RATS I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.