To the bloodthirsty who walk among us, life is so easy.  If someone's done something bad, kill him.  Don't worry about the consequences.  Don't worry about the missed opportunities.  Don't worry about any risk of error.  Don't worry about the children.  Just off with their heads!

But life isn't so black and white.  Sometimes, someone who does bad things is also very useful.  Sometimes, in fact, someone who does bad things is also pretty damn awesome in other ways.

Let's make no mistake here - John Lannan is a bad man.  He hits Phillies batters with baseballs thrown at a relatively high velocity on a ridiculously frequent basis.  In other contexts, he'd be locked up for battery.  (And in California, he'd be in jail for life.)

But, thankfully for the Phillies, ordinary law doesn't apply here.  Instead, John Lannan gets to roam the baseball diamond free from incarceration or worse.  And when he does, really good things happen for the Phillies.

Yes, he sometimes injures our players.  But, when Lannan is on the mound, the Phillies win.  And do I have to remind anyone that the goal in baseball is to win games?

Let's look at the evidence.  The Phillies are now 12-1 in games started by John Lannan.  That's a .923 winning percentage when Lannan takes the mound.  Are you really going to complain about someone against whom the Phillies win over 92% of his starts?

Digging deeper, it's clear Lannan just has no clue how to get the Phillies out.  The Phillies have a .938 team OPS against Lannan.  In other words, they hit against him as if the entire team were the 2009 version of Ryan Braun (.320/.386/.551).  Is there something wrong with watching an entire lineup of Ryan Brauns?

Against the Phillies, Lannan has a career 6.44 ERA, 7.40 RA (with the 7 unearned runs included), and 1.72 WHIP.  Since Lannan has entered the league, the Phillies have hit more home runs against him than any pitcher other than Johan Santana (both at 15) and have more hits against him than any pitcher other than Mike Pelfrey.

Sure, the Phillies are a good team that beat lots of different pitchers.  But, are you so confident and jaded by winning that you are ready to sacrifice the one pitcher this team absolutely destroys?  Are you so bullheaded in your bloodlust that you want to throw away the closest opposing pitcher we have to a sure win?

John Lannan must live.  And, for the benefit of Phillies fans everywhere, he must take the mound every time the Phillies face the Nationals.  The twin causes of justice and winning demand it. 

That son of a bitch did it again. It took just two batters for the world's most notorious living terrorist to strike. In the first inning, after retiring leadoff hitter Jimmy Rollins, John Lannan hit Shane Victorino with a 1-0 fastball.

For those of you keeping score at home, here is an updated breakdown of the extremist leader's successful attacks:

Lannan has faced 2612 batters in his career and has hit 22 of them. That is .84 percent of batters.

Of the 2612 batters Lannan has faced, 310 of them have been Phillies (11.86%).

Of the 22 batters Lannan has hit, 9 of them have been Phillies (40.9%).

John Lannan has hit 2.9% of Phillies that he has faced.

Here is a list of the Phillies that Osama bin Lannan has hit:

Chase Utley, three times

Ryan Howard, three times

Shane Victorino, twice

Raul Ibanez, once

The civil libertarians simply have this one wrong. Bin Lannan is a dangerous fanatic who hates our freedoms--most notably, our freedom to see our stud second baseman win the 2007 NL MVP award. He possesses a thoroughly warped worldview. He is deeply hostile to our way of life. And he will stop at nothing short of murder to terrorize the world into adopting his twisted way of life. While the right to a fair trial is very much at the heart of our thriving democracy, Bin Lannan has demonstrated through his conduct that he is unworthy of this privilege.

I hereby call on the president to authorize a targeted strike by a highly-trained team of special forces operatives on OBL's compound--similar in style to the raid on the other OBL's compound--in order to neutralize this monster. For every moment OBL remains active, no Phillies batter is safe. What's more, as long as he is active, he will serve as an inspiration to young lefties with sub-par stuff the world over. Do what needs to be done, Mr. President.

And if you are struggling to find someone skilled enough to complete this admittedly daunting mission, I have just the man for the job.

MEMORANDUM

To: Philadelphia Phillies Legal Department

Re: Potential civil liability of Washington Nationals pitcher John Lannan for injuries sustained by Phillies players

Date: April 14, 2011

INTRODUCTION:

Mr. Lannan’s actions likely do not make him criminally liable for assault, but do constitute gross negligence at best, and at worst willful and malicious behavior making Mr. Lannan vulnerable to substantial exposure in a civil suit, including a possible award of punitive damages.

FACTUAL BACKGROUND:

Looking at the infamous matter of Utley v. Lannan, Chase Utley was riding high in 2007 and was widely considered a favorite for the National League’s Most Valuable Player Award.  Then, disaster struck on July 26, 2007, in the form of John Lannan, who hit Mr. Utley in the wrist with a dangerously inside pitch, breaking his hand and knocking him out of the lineup for almost a month.

ANALYSIS:

We will use the Utley v. Lannan matter as a useful exemplar for calculations of damages in future cases.

In calculating the quantum of damages in Utley v. Lannan, we refer to Fangraphs.com, which calculates the "Value" of Chase Utley’s 2007 performance at $31.6 million over 132 games.  Excellent production, but over 162 games, we can extrapolate that to $38.8 million, leaving a difference of $7.2 million, which we will use as a baseline for a calculation of damages.

Of course a jury will be charged to look to comparative negligence – did the Plaintiff contribute in any way to his injury?  The Phillies, as a potential litigant, must analyze Utley’s actions.  Utley is widely regarded as a hitter who "crowds the plate," making himself more vulnerable to injuries of this type.  While this does not outright excuse Lannan’s actions, a potential litigant must be aware that a jury is obligated to take this into account, and we anticipate that a reasonable jury could assign 20% comparative negligence to Mr. Utley, leaving us with $5.76 million in compensatory damages.

The Phillies would be wise to seek punitive damages against Mr. Lannan as well.  If a jury deems Mr. Lannan’s repeated acts of inside pitchery to be so outrageous as to warrant an award of punitive damages, the Phillies could find themselves with a  substantial verdict.  The Phillies would have to establish by a preponderance of the evidence that Mr. Lannan was acting consciously and deliberately in pitching inside, putting Mr. Utley and the other Phillies at unreasonable risk.  If the Phillies can establish that Lannan was acting with intent to injure, or that his behavior was otherwise outrageous under the circumstances, the Phillies could find themselves recipients of a substantial award for punitive damages.

To that end, we have established a pattern of behavior on the part of Mr. Lannan versus the Phillies.  A fair minded jury could assume that these actions form a valid basis for a determination that Lannan's behavior is intentional.

SETTLEMENT NEGOTIATIONS:

At this time, I would recommend that the Phillies begin negotiations at Ryan Zimmerman and Bryce Harper, but that they be prepared to resolve the matter for Stephen Strasburg and the Abraham Lincoln "Racing President" costume.

Very Truly Yours,

WholeCamels

We are, as a world-renowned constitutional scholar once wrote, "facing a crisis of incarceration."  That was in 1997.  Yet, here, in 2011, my usually-wonderful co-blogger FuquaManuel wants to exacerbate the situation in the country with the world's highest incarceration rate.  That, my friends, is not the answer.  Imprisonment for John Lannan?  Where are the world's civil libertarians, suspicious of all state-imposed restrictions on liberty?  For them, I rise up and speak today.  And I say, John Lannan deserves to live free!

Sure, John Lannan has done some very bad things.  But, beyond his failure to have the requisite suspicion of state coercive power that all respectable citizens must have, my esteemed colleague FuquaManuel ignores one important thing in his argument in favor of John Lannan's incarceration:  Lannan sucks against the Phillies.

In 12 games against the Phillies in his career, Lannan has been brutal.  He is 0-9 with a 5.80 ERA.  The Nationals have a 1-11 record in those 12 starts. He has allowed 105 base runners in just under 64 innings, good for a 1.65 WHIP.  He has struck out only 38 Phillies and allowed 14 home runs.  The Phillies collectively have a pristine .311/.388/.520 triple-slash line against him, good for a .908 OPS.

In other words, against John Lannan, the Phillies are better than the 2010 version of Adrian Gonzalez (.904 OPS) and just slightly worse than the 2010 version of Robinson Cano (.914 OPS).

And, what's wonderful about Lannan is that for whatever reason, he pitches against the Phillies very frequently.  He has faced the Phillies 12 times, more than any other team in his career.  Maybe the thinking is that he's a lefty and the Phillies have a lefty-dominated lineup, so it's good to have him face the Phillies.  But, while that may be sound in theory, that's been pretty horrible in practice for John Lannan and the Nationals . . . but wonderful for the Phillies.

Which is exactly why he should not be immediately incarcerated.  Rather, John Lannan should be free to grace the mound whenever the Phillies play.  Let him be free and pitch.

Free John Lannan!  Free John Lannan!  Free John Lannan!

John Lannan hit Ryan Howard on the hand with a pitch tonight. Thankfully for our hottest hitter at the moment, post-game x-rays came back negative. But let's talk about Mr. Lannan for a moment. 

John Lannan has a career 3.26 BB/9. Not good control, but not awful either. 

He has faced 2523 batters in his career and hit 21 of them. That is .83 percent of batters he has faced. For comparison's sake, Roy Halladay has hit .66 percent of the batters he has faced. 

Of the 2523 batters John Lannan has faced, 295 of them have been Phillies (11.6%). 

Of the 21 batters John Lannan has hit, 8 of them have been Phillies (38%). 

Here is a list of the Phillies who John Lannan has hit: 

Chase Utley, three times (one broken hand, one strong MVP candidacy derailed)

Ryan Howard, three times

Shane Victorino, once

Raul Ibanez, once

I'm not saying John Lannan is intentionally throwing at Phillies, but it certainly looks like John Lannan might be intentionally throwing at Phillies. 

As our own Blog Overlord Whole Camels has said, John Lannan must be incarcerated before he kills again.