I believe in the First Amendment. Government restrictions on speech are anathema to me. But, I would make an exception for a law banning all baseball references in radio advertising during broadcasts. Anyone involved in those ads deserves jail time.

Listening to the Phillies on the radio is painful enough given their long history of futility, as well as Chris Wheeler and Larry Andersen. To heap on top of this pain the ridiculous commercials that are repeated ad nauseum is cruel and unusual punishment.

Is Harry Kalas hurting for money that much that he has to pretend he takes SEPTA to the ballgame or liken excellent hotdogs on Stroehman rolls to great Phillies plays? A full-time gig for the Phils along with being the voice of the NFL isn't enough for him? And Scott Graham's full-time job with the Phils and off-season work in other sports doesn't cover him and his family so we don't have to hear about the confusion between his last name and a Phillies ice cream flavor? For all the negative things said about Chris Wheeler and Larry Andersen as announcers, at least they aren't shilling products with stupid ad copy in between innings. At least, not that I've heard.

Who writes the copy for these ads? Lukoil thinks that proof that Americans love cars is that bullpen pitchers used to be shuttled from the pen from "300 feet, 320 tops" away? Citizens Bank thinks its not driving away customers to hear that with a loan someone in Philadelphia would build an addition to the house to watch the Phillies on a 75 inch TV?

So, in light of this awful practice and this new exception to my First Amendment beliefs, I propose the following model legislation that should be enacted nationwide immediately:

Whereas, there are usually dozens of commercial breaks during a normal baseball radio broadcast, subjecting the listener to almost an hour of commercials;

Whereas, listening to commercials that pointlessly reference baseball lingo or events is the equivalent of listening to William Hung sing opera;

Whereas, hearing repeated commercials by Hall of Fame broadcasters and their colleagues that connect baseball to food items, home improvement stores, banking services, or other products saddens the spirit;

1) Definition: A person is guilty of the crime of broadcasting baseball commercial nonsense if he or she is in any way involved in creating or broadcasting a radio commercial during a baseball game that references a baseball term, event, personality, or any other item associated with the game.

2) Grading: Broadcasting baseball commercial nonsense is graded as follows:
a) a felony of the third degree if the commercial begins with a baseball reference and has no other baseball references;
b) a felony of the second degree if the commercial ends with a baseball reference and has no other baseball references;
c) a felony of the first degree if the commercial has baseball references throughout the entire commercial.

3) Exception: Commercials for baseball games are exempt if and only if they are not repeated more than 5 times during the broadcast.