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A plea for President Obama to authorize a special forces raid on John Lannan's compound

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That son of a bitch did it again. It took just two batters for the world's most notorious living terrorist to strike. In the first inning, after retiring leadoff hitter Jimmy Rollins, John Lannan hit Shane Victorino with a 1-0 fastball.

For those of you keeping score at home, here is an updated breakdown of the extremist leader's successful attacks:

Lannan has faced 2612 batters in his career and has hit 22 of them. That is .84 percent of batters.

Of the 2612 batters Lannan has faced, 310 of them have been Phillies (11.86%).

Of the 22 batters Lannan has hit, 9 of them have been Phillies (40.9%).

John Lannan has hit 2.9% of Phillies that he has faced.

Here is a list of the Phillies that Osama bin Lannan has hit:

Chase Utley, three times

Ryan Howard, three times

Shane Victorino, twice

Raul Ibanez, once

The civil libertarians simply have this one wrong. Bin Lannan is a dangerous fanatic who hates our freedoms--most notably, our freedom to see our stud second baseman win the 2007 NL MVP award. He possesses a thoroughly warped worldview. He is deeply hostile to our way of life. And he will stop at nothing short of murder to terrorize the world into adopting his twisted way of life. While the right to a fair trial is very much at the heart of our thriving democracy, Bin Lannan has demonstrated through his conduct that he is unworthy of this privilege.

I hereby call on the president to authorize a targeted strike by a highly-trained team of special forces operatives on OBL's compound--similar in style to the raid on the other OBL's compound--in order to neutralize this monster. For every moment OBL remains active, no Phillies batter is safe. What's more, as long as he is active, he will serve as an inspiration to young lefties with sub-par stuff the world over. Do what needs to be done, Mr. President.

And if you are struggling to find someone skilled enough to complete this admittedly daunting mission, I have just the man for the job.