clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Associate Blog Lord Hunger Strike - Please Win, Phillies!

Sally Struthers, leading the campaign to feed the children of TGP Associate Blog Lords.
Sally Struthers, leading the campaign to feed the children of TGP Associate Blog Lords.

 Dear Phillies:  At, Associate Blog Lords depend almost entirely upon our salaries earned working in the sweatshops newsroom above Mrs. Camels' kitchen to pay for food for ourselves and our families.  Those salaries come from the exceptionally lucrative advertisements and endorsement deals that inevitably flow from the boundless coffers of the Phillies' financial juggernaut. Still, given the ennui and "meh" of this eight-game losing streak (the longest since the epic 65-97 season in 2000), those dollars have dried up. And desperate times have led to desperate measures. It's bad.

Out of necessity, and in an attempt to motivate you to, you know, win a game before the season ends, the Associate Blog Lords have been placed on starvation rations been forced to begin a hunger strike to encourage a change in attytood, hustle, grit, and gristle (mmmmm...gristle). And our poor children...the children are "hunger striking" too. I know Shane Victorino cares about the children.  Please, Shane...I know you care about our Associate Blog Lord children. If you guys can't pull a win together before long, there may be a Donner Party footnote to this historical Phillies season. It's not for nothing that I've always called my precious seven year old daughter my "little sweetie."

And those aren't boos you are hearing, Phillies. Those are the grumbling tummies of hungry, sad children. So hungry. So sad. And they are weak. They can barely hold their Wii controllers anymore. My own children are left to scavenging the raspberry and strawberry beds for leavings. Picking walnuts off the ground at the bus stop with their weakened, shriveled fingers. Eating the last dregs of tomatoes from the garden. And they are too weak to fight off the slugs, so they have to eat the tomato, slug and all. And they are grateful for the protein.

Phillies, I could use a little weight loss.  Too many cheese steaks, too many crab fries, too many $8.00 beers. But the children, think of the children. Before it is too late.