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2012 Phillies Exit Interview: Michael Martinez

Utility player extraordinaire Michael Martinez completes his exit interview for the 2012 season.

Howard Smith-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

Michael Martinez.

Baseball-Reference page.

Fangraphs page.

Last year, affectionately nicknamed "Mini-Mart," Martinez managed a dismal .196/.258/.282/.540 line, one of the worst in baseball. That "performance" prompted this glowing review from former bloglord Fuqua Manuel, in which he refused to write more than the minimum 150 words, including the following gem: "Michael 'Mendoza' Martinez is not a good baseball player and if he ends up getting a lot of at bats in 2012, that means something has gone seriously wrong."

Well, something went seriously wrong in 2012. Martinez accumulated 115 at-bats, in which he outdid even FM's expectations: .174/.208/.252/.461. His OPS+ was 24. Yeehaw. Fittingly, one of the many outs he recorded this year was the final out of the season. 2012, ladies and gentlemen.

On to the interview.

1. How did you let your teammates down this season?
Really? I mean, I'm Michael Martinez. I thought that was obvious.
2. How did you let your manager and GM down this season?
They paid me $480,000, and I hit like me.
3. What do you have to say to all the fans you let down this season?
4. Do you think Sarge could hit better than you?
Yeah, but he was an All-Star and MVP.
5. No, seriously. I mean right now.
Yeah, probably.
6. On a scale of 1-10 10 being the worst, how do you rate on the "it's my fault were in this freaking mess and missed the playoffs scale"
Well... √-1.
7. We're going to send you to play Winter Ball. Where would you like to go?
The Dominican Republic?
8. No.
9. No.
10. The newly created Alaska Winter League. Incidentally, do you know how to hunt for walrus?
11. Well, not to worry. It'll come to you.