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2012 Phillies Exit Interview: Michael Stutes

Following a lost season that included shoulder surgery, Michael Stutes had a rather fearsome end-of-season exit interview with Ruben Amaro Jr.

He's so dreamy!
He's so dreamy!

Michael Stutes at Baseball Reference

Michael Stutes at Fangraphs

It's hard to evaluate Michael Stutes (he's so cute!) this year. He had an extremely abbreviated season due to shoulder surgery. But of course, Ruben Amaro had to do an exit interview with him. And as luck would have it, we have the transcript!

How did you... my God, man. Well, kid. What is with that hair? Is it your intention to look like you just came from a Counting Crows concert in 1993?

Umm... no?

Is that a question?

No. It just does this. I can't control it. I'm sorry. Right? Should I be apologizing? I don't know what you want me to do. I'm sorry.

...No, *I'm* sorry I asked. So very, very sorry. Besides your hair, how let your teammates down this season?

I had shoulder surgery. Unless I suddenly became invincible or magically self healing, I don't think I let anyone down.

Are you talking back to me? Is that something you really want to do?

No! No! Not at all! Do you have a pair of scissors? I can cut my hair right here! I'm sorry! I let everyone down! My shoulder let everyone down! I hate my shoulder! I'll cut it off it you want! Do you want me to cut it off? Give me those scissors, I'll cut my shoulder off just as soon as I'm done cutting my hair!

Jesus, kid. Have some dignity. Will you... just... JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN SCISSORS!...... Now just sit there and answer my questions. So, how did you let your manager and GM down this season?

My hair was long. The hair on my head is the equivalent of that weird thing Hunter Pence has on his face and calls a beard. And I talked back to you just now. For which I'm really really sorry. Do you need your shoes shined? Can I clean your pool? Do you need a houseboy?

Did you not hear what I said just now about dignity? But yes, I do need a houseboy. I'll give you the number of my butler when we're done here. So, what do you have to say to all the fans you let down this season?

I'm sorry the fans didn't get to see me be cute, and see my cute hair... which I will soon be cutting off! Cutting all of my hair right off! So I don't look like... like a dirty grunge hippie who likes the Counting Crows!

Yes, that's right. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst, how do you rate on the "it's my fault we're in this freaking mess and missed the playoffs" scale?

1. I played in six games and pitched 5 2/3 innings. Not once did my outings cause the team to lose. Or 5. I didn't pitch enough because of my shoulder. Or did I pitch too much? Oh God. 10. It's 10, right? The team and the fans saw too much or not enough of my hair.

You're getting the hang of this!

To be fair, I think my cute face really makes up for any of the so-called "ill effects" of my hair.


Gaah! Ok! Ok! Whatever you want!

Last question. Other than yourself, which player caused this fiasco of a season the most?

My hair. I'm sorry.

It's true. Michael Stutes (he's so cute!) pitched a total of 5 2/3 innings this season, all in April. His ERA didn't spike until his final outing on April 21 against the Padres -- in one inning, he gave up three hits and a walk for a total of three runs. A few days later, he was placed on the disabled list. Stutes had been nursing shoulder issues through Spring Training, and it had been rumored that he would start the season on the DL. After he was placed on the DL in April, no one heard hide nor hair of him for a month, when he was to see a team doctor to possibly resume throwing.

Of course, that didn't quite go as planned. In June, amidst a torrent of unpleasant news (Herndon's Tommy John surgery, Galvis' back injury and suspension), Stutes had arthroscopic surgery on his shoulder, effectively ending his season. He resumed throwing in September, and hopes to be ready for the season. But while he was gone, the bullpen spent some time being objectively horrible and terrifying before becoming young and interesting. Not entirely good, mind you, but interesting. Justin De Fratus, Jake Diekman, B.J. Rosenberg, and Phillippe Aumont are all talented and intriguing, and I feel like Stutes is going to have to fight them for a spot in the bullpen come 2013. Fight them... with his pitches!

So in all, a lost year for Michael Stutes and his flowing locks. Here's hoping that 2013 works out better for him, and that he doesn't do anything to his hair.