2012 Phillies Exit Interview: Jonathan Papelbon

My 2012 player preview of Papelbon is here. I really loathed this signing in the off-season, and I'm still not convinced that spending a ton of money on him was a good idea. Plus Papelbon seems to be more or less everything I loathe about stupid jocks, other than outright criminal acts.

To be honest, before I reviewed Papelbon's 2012 numbers, I spent some quality time searching for "World's Biggest Tool" and all I got with "safesearch=off" was this. The Interwebs totally let me down. I was certain that some sort of goofy, doofus, Papelbon jock stuff would show up. Or some horrific porn. If Papelbon's not Sam Malone, except less charming and even less intelligent, I don't know who is.

To be fair though, he really wasn't as douche-y as I feared this year. I had a serious baseball-related existential crisis when the Phillies signed him this offseason, and I imagined he'd be far more obnoxious than he was. My preview of Papelbon was, in retrospect, full of a lot of pointless hand-wringing. Now that I have lived in the metaphorical gated community for a year, my old values seem like a quaint relic of the past. In any case, Papelbon's excellent 2012 campaign largely stayed any serious feelings of loathing I may have otherwise developed. Also, Chad Qualls helped in that respect. So did Ryan Madson's shredded elbow tendon.

Still, Amaro should never have resorted to taping all his exit interviews with the players. It didn't work well for Nixon, either, Rubes. Here's what we learned about Papelbon:

1. How did you let your teammates down this season?

I didn't. WOOOOOOO!!!!! I even bought us a win with $5,000.00 when I blew a game! How much did you pay per WAR this year Rubee-Doo? WOOOOO!!!!!! WOOOOO!!!! IMMA TRAIN!!!!!!

2. How did you let your manager and GM down this season?

Talk to my agent. I was effing awesome, moob-man. Shake 'em for me, like you got some pasties, bro!

3. What do you have to say to all the fans you let down this season?

Tough luck, ok? Sometimes you get the fried chicken and beer, and sometimes it gets you. Oh, and that's totally a trick question dude. You just tried to get me to agree I let down the fans. No way! I was AWESOME!!!!

4. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst, how do you rate on the "it's my fault we're in this freaking mess and missed the playoffs scale"

My agent told me to answer: 1/e

5. Other than yourself, which player caused this fiasco of a season the most?

Lance Armstrong. He's totally evil, and it's all his fault. The winner of the World Series this year reads LiveStrong.com, and is doping. The wins and losses from this year will all be erased. Two words: Melky Cabrera! Do the Giants win the division without him? No. Was he juicing? Yes. WIPE THEM OUT. WIPE THEM ALL OUT. 2012 never happened, man. LANCE frickin' ARMSTRONG.