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2012 Phillies Exit Interview: Jimmy Rollins

A review of the 2012 season of Jimmy Rollins as imagined by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

I am the greatest.
I am the greatest.
Drew Hallowell

Jimmy Rollins by the numbers:

Since a statistical-minded and formal evaluation of Jimmy Rollins' season can be found in the comments of this article, it didn't seem to make sense to pile on with a "beating a dead horse" article of 1,500 words where I conclude: "Rollins sucked early on, then he was awesome, and he out-earned his contract again." A different take was called for.

Additionally, the Phillies' 2012 season was something out of an opium-induced nightmarish vision. Were laudanum still widely available, many of us likely would have sought refuge in its velvety embrace to deaden the pain we felt in our souls. Fortunately, it is no longer casually available from the corner druggist, and we are left to imagine instead what it must have been like by piggy-backing on those who experienced the madness in the past.

Lately, I've been in the throes of 1980's nostalgia, and this dovetailed nicely with my need for convenient access to the works of a 19th century opium fiend. Cue it and read along, imagining J-Roll with his headphones on while Amaro blah, blah, blahs at him during the exit interview that you know J-Roll isn't going to pay any attention to. Guaranteed money and ten and five, yo.

The Rime of the Ancient Jimmy Pop

Hear the rime of the ancient Jimmy Pop
See his eye as he stops one of three
Mesmerises one of the ballpark guests
Stay here and listen to the nightmares of the Lee.

And the playoffs play on, as the Giants pass by
Caught by his spell and the Jimmy Pop tells his tale...

Driven south to the land of no snow and ice
To a place where nobody's been
Through the snow fog flies on the albatross
Hailed in god's name, hoping good luck it brings.

And the ship sails on, back to the north
Through the fog and ice and the albatross follows on.

Then Jimmy Pop kills the bird of good omen [1]
His teammates cry against what he's done [2]
But when the fog clears, they justify him
And make themselves a part of the crime.

Sailing on and on and north across the sea(son)
Sailing on and on and north 'til all is calm.

The albatross begins with its vengeance
A terrible curse a thirst has begun
His manager blames bad luck on the Jimmy Pop
About his neck, the dead bird is hung.

And the curse goes on and on for Lee
And the curse goes on and on for them and me.

'Day after day, day after day,
we stuck, nor breath nor motion
As idle as a painted ship

upon a painted ocean

Water, water everywhere and
all the boards did shrink
Water, water everywhere

nor any drop to drink.'

There calls the Jimmy Pop
There comes a ship over the line
But how can she sail with

no wind in her sails and no tide.

See... onward she comes
Onward she nears out of the sun
See, she has no crew
She has no life, wait but here's two.

Death and she life in death,
They throw their dice for the crew

She wins the Jimmy Pop

and he belongs to her now.

Then... crew one by one

They drop down dead, two hundred men

She... she, life in death.
She lets him live, her chosen one.

'One after one by the star dogged moon,
Too quick for groan or sigh
Each turned his face with a ghastly pang
And cursed me with his eye

Four times fifty living men
(And I heard nor sigh nor groan)
With heavy thump, a lifeless lump,
They dropped down one by one.'

The curse it lives on in their eyes
The Jimmy Pop he wished he'd die
Along with the sea creatures [3]
But they lived on, so did he.

And by the light of the moon
He prays for their beauty not doom
With heart he blesses them
God's creatures all of them too. [4]

Then the spell starts to break

The albatross falls from his neck
Sinks down like lead into the sea
Then down in falls comes the rain.

Hear the groans of the long dead seamen
See them stir and they start to rise

Bodies lifted by good spirits
None of them speak and they're lifeless in their eyes

And revenge is still sought, penance starts again
Cast into a trance and the nightmare carries on.

Now the curse is finally lifted [5]

And the Jimmy Pop sights his home
Spirits go from the long dead bodies

Form their own light and the Jimmy Pop's left alone.

And then a boat came sailing towards him
It was a joy he could not believe
The pilot's boat, his son and the hermit,
Penance of life will fall onto him.

And the ship sinks like lead into the sea
And the hermit shrieves the Phillies of their sins.

The Jimmy Pop's bound to tell of his story
To tell this tale wherever he goes
To teach god's word by his own example

That we must love all things that God made.

And the ballpark guest's a sad and wiser man
And the tale goes on and on and on.


[1] Poetic license. Just roll with it.

[2] Actually, they didn't. The narrative sort of breaks down here. Coleridge did lots of drugs, and I blame him for losing the plot completely here, or at least not anticipating that someone would use his art as a vehicle for a Jimmy Rollins piece nearly a hundred years later.

[3] Just because.

[4] Do not search for "cody f...... ross" with safesearch=off on images. Just don't. Google doesn't limit that to "just baseball."

[5] 44 - 31, post-ASB, or a 95 win pace.