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Phillies General Manager Praises Michael Young's Adequacy

"He was really the best we could do given our budget," Amaro explains. Satire, do not sue.


Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro, Jr. spoke to the press yesterday, officially announcing the Michael Young trade, describing it as a "necessary evil" and "one of the realities you have to deal with when you try to re-tool an aging roster on the fly."

Young, 36, spent the first 13 years of his Major League career with the Texas Rangers, accumulating 2,230 base hits, most by a hitter in Rangers history. But 2012 was a difficult season for Young, as he posted a .277/.312/.370 line, and struggled defensively at all four infield positions when not serving as the designated hitter, which he did in the majority of his games. He will presumably be penciled in as the Phillies full-time third baseman in 2013.

Taking a long pull from a More Menthol, Amaro described Young as a "stop-gap" and said that he was just filling a role while the team prayed that at least one of the team's third base prospects, Cody Asche or Mikael Franco, would be big league ready by 2014.

"We know we've dug ourselves in a hole here. We also know that Mike [Young] is gonna do his job and not get pissy about playing time. He learned his lesson with Wash [Rangers Manager Ron Washington] on that one."

"He [Young] is probably a washed up turd, but a bounceback year is something that's at least plausible. [Freddy] Galvis and [Kevin] Frandsen?" Amaro chuckled as he drained the last drops from a highball full of whiskey.

In describing the third base options on this year's market, Amaro referred to the available players as "dingleberries" and "worthless pieces of [bleep]."

"Frankly, the only hope this team has is if Roy Halladay can bounce back a little bit, and if Chase Utley and Ryan Howard can stay on the field. Otherwise, our third baseman would just be window dressing for another 81-win season, I don't care if he's Mike, Kevin Youkilis, David [bleeping] Wright, whoever."

"We're looking to 2014, to be honest. This is mostly a transition year, where we hope we can be competitive while we let Roy and Chase play out their contracts."

A visibly intoxicated Amaro then hurled a half empty bottle of Jim Beam at a passing squirrel, shouting "I'm the total [bleeping] package, you butthole!" and "Go find a [bleeping] nut" before stumbling into the night.