If you figured Kyle Kendrick would come out today and avert the sweep, you are in the grips of a charlatan. I order you to break off this association and see the world clearly for what it is.
Perhaps instead you satisfy yourself with the idea that the Phillies are merely unlucky, or that better days are ahead when Godot returns. That is your portion. But in mid-June, 68 games into the season, this team is sad and incapable, and, perhaps worst of all, devoid of anything resembling hope, youthful exuberance, or spunk.
Yes, spunk. This game was played on Father's Day. And whether your relationship with Dad is good or bad, the fact that you are reading this is evidence enough that he could give your mom a jolly ride every now and again, or at the very least come through on his barroom promise to call when he said he was gonna. The Phillies are nothing more than a tribute band to those paunchy, unshaven sad-sacks nursing their Bud Light Limes in the corner spending their evenings thinking, dood she's so hot! And going nowhere.
But anyway, the details: You need only have watched the first inning. After being set down in order by Blue Jays starter Brett Cecil, the Jays went to work on Kyle Kendrick thusly: double (meatball bouncing off the leftfield wall), double (meatball bouncing off the leftfield wall +RBI), walk, pickoff at first, strikeout, and (with two outs, the inevitable) single (RBI). 2-0 Blue Jays.
We'll give it up for Jim Thome, who swatted a solo HR to put the capstone on a scorching road trip. And John Mayberry Jr. homered, too, so the game was, in fact, 2-2 for a full inning, prompting yet another entrant in the Most Emblematic Inning of 2012 Contest: After Shane Victorino was doubled off second base on a Hector Luna soft liner to right to end the top half, Edwin Encarnacion led off the bottom half with a single. Feelings of dread mounted. Kelly Johnson followed with a double play, prompting feelings that perhaps Kendrick has settled down and gotten his ground ball mojo going today. But Yunel Escobar singled, and Kendrick then hit Yan Gomes, bringing Rajai Davis to the plate. Unable to hit a 5-run grand slam because of the double play, Davis instead sent a bouncer up the middle to score Escobar and take the 3-2 lead.
In the bottom of the fifth, Kendrick walked Brett Lawrie, then gave up a 2-run home run to star of the game, Colby Rasmus. I keep confusing his name with Cody Ransom, but the difference is easy to remember: Rasmus doesn't suck.
Speaking of sucking: in the seventh, Hunter Pence contributed to make it a thoroughly insurmountable lead when he booted a Rasmus single off of Phillies reliever Jake Diekman.
Not content to be crucified on talk radio tomorrow, Charlie Manuel decided to do it upside-down, when he put Jonathan Papelbon in with the Phillies down 6-2. Papelbon walked one batter and struck out two in a scoreless inning of laughably low leverage. I am stuffing that memory into an interoffice envelope tomorrow morning and sending it to a person in my company who I really hate. I invite you all to do the same.
After a day off tomorrow, the Phillies will return home to face some of the most laughably bad pitching in the major leagues when Colorado comes in to be the feature NL-only matchup on the schedule. I cannot even begin to contemplate how eyeball-scorchingly bad the baseball we are about to see will be.
Thank the Yankees, who at least kept the Phillies nine games back today.
Oh, and Happy Father's Day. I'm off to the pool. For the rest of you: here is a video that will protect you:
Hello Dad, I'm In Jail (via ZappVid2)