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DIY Trade Rumor Mill

A friend's cousin's former roomate once sold Chinese takeout to Head Groundskeeper Mike Boekholder's neighbor, making him an expert on trade rumors..  (Photo by Len Redkoles/Getty Images)
A friend's cousin's former roomate once sold Chinese takeout to Head Groundskeeper Mike Boekholder's neighbor, making him an expert on trade rumors.. (Photo by Len Redkoles/Getty Images)
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As the calendar approaches the non-waiver Traid Deadline on 31 July, the interwebs begin to abound with rampant rumor-mongering and wanton supposition. To help you get in on the fun, we here at The Good Phight proudly present the Trade Rumor Mill 9000. Feel like there's not enough talk about Carlos Ruiz? Do the Phillies need to get Young(er)?Can we bundle garbage for gold? You decide!

The TRM 9000 is intuitive and easy to use. Start by choosing a player, then simply choose one of the bold phrases at each section, and you'll be on your way!

Jimmy Rollins (revisited):

"They’d trade Rollins in a heartbeat," said (an official of one club / an unnamed team executive / a guy who knows a friend of the contractor who built the Phanatic’s dad’s neighbor’s house). "They’re in (luxury tax land / rebuilding mode / deep shit) right now. And if they sign (Hamels / Pence / Josh Hamilton and Zack Grienke), they’ve got to (move money / unload salary / dump costs / get younger). But they’d have to (eat so much salary / include Blanton and Polanco) to move a guy like (Rollins / J-Stroll / OMG POPUPS MACHINE), it doesn’t get them (anywhere / any younger / Michael Young)."

Cole Hamels:

The Phillies' young left-hander is (a valuable trade chip / destined for free agency / a pretentious showboat), and for a team that appears to be (going downhill fast / suffering repeatedly from the vagaries of chance / SUCK OF THIS NONSENSE), a trade may make more sense than an extension that could approach (Matt Cain money / $140M / all the monies). "If they move (Hamels / Coal Hammels / that guy)," said (an unidentified insider / arrogant know-it-all / Jayson Blair), "they're gonna need to bring back at least one (top prospect / major-league ready player / power bat if they hope to compete in '13). They're almost certainly going to trade him, but if they do sign him, he's not taking anything less than ($130M / CC Sabathia money / one billion dollars)--they're going to have to (trade Rollins / trade Victorino / sell ad-space on the jerseys)."

Cliff Lee (really):

One name that has been cropping up more of late is (Cliff Lee / that Cliff Lee? / yeah, that Cliff Lee / no way, not Cliff Lee? / no really, someone honestly suggested that Cliff Lee could be traded), the Phillies' (big free-agent splash / attempt at being the Yankees / Cliffmas) from 2010. "His contract is (an albatross / going to weigh down a rebuilding club heavily / going to make it difficult to get any value in return)," said (someone who doesn't know what an albatross is / a team official / you notice how which team these officials are from is never mentioned?). "They could move him, but it's gonna little more than a salary dump." Not many teams are expected to be interested in Lee, but (the Dodgers / not the Rangers, who out-bid the Phillies / not the Yankees, who out-bid the Rangers) certainly have the cash. "They're (the richest kid on the block now / owned by Magic Johnson / stuck in traffic), and if they want to make a splash, they could pick up Lee for peanuts (on top of his salary / because the Phillies are morons / by offering Asst. GM Ed Wade a relief pitcher)."

Ty Wigginton and Laynce Nix:

"These guys are really (something / awesome / bicepy)," said a (well-placed source / panhandler under the overpass / fansince09). "They're a purpose-built platoon pair and can handle spots all over the diamond; left, right, first, third, even (second / bullpen catcher / grounds-crew) in a pinch. And the best part is, (they're low cost / I don't know anything about them). By bundling both of them, together with a fringy minor leaguer like (Jesse Biddle / Dom Brown / Trevor May / Jesse Biddle and Domonic Brown and Trevor May), the Phillies could really return a big haul. The (Orioles / Rangers / Angels) are in need of more infielders, and can (probably / most definitely / undoubtedly) be persuaded to move (Dylan Bundy, Matt Weiters and Manny Machado / Jurickson Profar, Mike Olt and Michael Young / Mike Trout, Jered Weaver and Mark Trumbo) in exchange for these two superstars."

Shane Victorino (H/T to Bud in TN):

The Pirates see Shane Victorino as a (perfect fit in their outfield / ideal solution for their squirrel infestation), but not until the Phillies (drop their asking price dramatically / include some sweetenersomgsweetsilovesweetsitlikehalloweeniwasaghost), tweets (Ken F / a guy named after a beer-garden / Alexander Hamilton, the father of modern banking). "Victorino's a pending free agent, and has not indicated that he will extend his contract with the Phillies, so they're likely to move him. Possible trade (chips / omgyoubroughtchipsilovechipscanihavesomeheywhowantsnachos?) include Gerrit Cole, 2011's first overall draft pick; although Victorino may not be enough to require Cole--(hints are / conclusive evidence proves) that Hunter Pence could be moved instead."

Now, you're well-equipped to spread wanton (but totally true and verified!) horse-hockey of your own. Enjoy!