Dear Phan: Please take me back. Love, the 2012 Phillies.

Dear Phan:

Baby, things have been up and down. I have been thinking about all the things that you and I have gone through over the last year. Things were so good last year, and then when the regular season ended, we both forgot what made our relationship great. I need to write you this letter not because I think you want to hear this, but because I need to say it to you. We have something good...something great, and saving it is worth fighting for.

First, I can never apologize to you enough for what I have done. I have been so selfish and lazy. I have been deceitful and disrespectful. I hurt you in ways that I never imagined were possible. I can't even begin to say that I understand the pain I put you through. I am disappointed at myself and I am confused at how I could do those things to someone who I cherish so much -- someone who has been an angel in my life for so long and cherished me, shortcomings and all, for so long.

What I am trying to tell you is that there is no excuse for what I have done to you and to our relationship and to the children. I understand that forgiveness is hard to offer when things have been this bad for this long. You may never trust me again like you used to trust me, but I believe that the love and passion in our relationship remains. We can build something again -- something more mature, more stable. Different, but worth fighting for.

Honey, I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix this. I promise you that you will never come home from work again and find me in bed with Ty Wigginton. It was the drinking, honey, and when he came over to fix the leak in the sink, it was just...I couldn't help myself. You know I've been to rehab, and I'm still working through that with my counselor.

I don't want to talk about Chad Qualls, but I know we can't move forward until we...*I*...put everything on the table. It was bad. Really bad. At your office party with him and your cousin Larry on your desk while you were out getting more beer? I have no excuse. And I know the shame you must have felt when you realized what your coworkers knew. I never knew your office wasn't soundproof, baby, or I never would have let him spank me like that. And then the 2 Live Crew [NSFW] karaoke later? God...I'm just so sorry. That was just...I don't know what to say. I feel so ashamed about it now, even after working with my sex addiction counselor. I hate myself.

I can promise to you that I am *through* with Chad Qualls and Larry, but I know it will make Christmas a little awkward until, you know, Larry dies or something. I hear he is retiring and moving to another state, though, so that should give us some breathing room, right?

I am so tired, honey. I am at rock bottom. I'm worn out, and I can't live like this anymore. I know I need the rock of your love as the foundation of the life I want to live. I was searching for something, and I never found it. I did learn that what I had with you is what I really wanted all along - a steady partner who tells me all the uncomfortable truths, but who is loyal and supportive. I was such a fool.

I took advantage of your willingness to set aside things that were important to you so I could go on my fool's errand, searching for something to fill the emptiness in my soul. Your love was what I needed, and it was there all along, waiting for me, but I was too blind to see it.

This pain will be hard for both of us to get past, but it will make us stronger and wiser. I hope that reconciliation and forgiveness are in your heart and that you can share those things with me, despite my unworthiness. It's only going to be possible if we both work for it, and I know it's going to be harder for you. But please, please look into your heart and remember how good it used to be. It can be like that again.

My soul cries out for you. My mind cries out when I think of the anguish I caused. You are my soulmate and we are meant to be together for eternity, but just being with you isn't enough. You deserve more.

I know that my words are just words. You need actions to prove that I'm serious. I am seeing a counselor, and I used up all my coke. The judge put me on house arrest after the incident with Hunter Pence in the front yard, so you know I'm not running around with him anymore. It would be easier to get past it if our neighbor Jayson would stop yelling, "Who's your daddy?" at me when I go get the paper from the box in the morning. You know that since the sexting incident with Mike Fontenot, I ditched him and gave you my cell phone. I've done real, solid things to humble myself before you and to show you that my contrition is real.

Honey, I don't know what else I can do to show you that I'm serious about making a change. My guilt will protect us. My shame, and the scars on my soul from my shameful acts, will make sure that this never happens again. My shame...my guilt, will be a seatbelt for our souls. [1]

Please, baby, let me be your friend, your partner, your lover. I'll never hurt you again. Like that. I promise.

I love you,

2012 Phillies

[1] Seriously, I can't make this stuff up.