Infinite Improbability Pennant Drive: Wigginton homer leads Phillies to sweep of Rockies in doubleheader and series, also featuring CHOOOOOOCH

Now let's not get crazy. This is a false spring. William Wallace rising against Longshanks. Spartacus leading a revolt. It is doomed to failure, so let's just put an end to this right now. The Phillies' aspirations are limited solely to being over .500 at the end of the year and finding out more about the young bullpen, Domonic Brown, and now Darin Ruf. You know the Marlins and Astros are going to slay all your freshly sprouting hopes, so stop it. Just stop it. The math doesn't work.

Yes, Ty Wigginton hit a homer. Yes, John Mayberry had *another* walk. And that Chooch feller, well he's just a delight, isn't he, coming off the bench as he did to spark the offense?

An additional delight is jreed. 2012 gave us lots of things: severe West Nile Virus outbreaks, Chad Qualls, continued spread of drug resistant tuberculosis, Ty Wigginton in left, seven year old girls with bubonic plague, and DFA-resistant Michael Martinez. It has also provided us, and jreed, with a muse. When all you've got is lemons, you throw them at players who suck. Enjoy.

The green is from the original, resulting either from recs or from the gamma radiation in jreed's underground lair.

You may find yourself living in a Lehigh shack
And you may find yourself in another part of PA
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a mini cooper
You may find yourself in a beautiful park, with a beautiful bat
You may ask yourself, "Well, how the fuck did I hit that?"

Letting the days go by, let the OPS hold me down
Letting the days go by, hitting dribblers on the ground
Into the blue again, where my hits rarely go
Once in a lifetime, blind nut squirreling underground

And you may ask yourself, "How do I hit this?"
And you may ask yourself, "Where was that pitch I swung at?"
And you may tell yourself, "johari’s not my beautiful spouse"
And you may tell yourself, "This is not my iron pig life"

Letting the days go by, caught in another rundown
Letting the days go by, the line-ups are so unsound
Into the blue again, where my hits rarely go
Once in a lifetime, squirreling a nut underground

Same as Lee never was, same as Mart ever was, same as it always was
Fat as Ty ever was, errors like there never was, same as the gut ever was
Chipper kills us as same as it ever was

Season dissolving and bullpen’s improving
There are marlins at the bottom of the ocean
Under the Braves, over the Mets
Remove the seven and the fucking eleven
Season dissolving and KK improving

Letting the days go by, Basebaal laughing at us now

Letting the days go by, silly Shane aint around
Into the blue again, into the silent autumn
Under the balls and stikes, there are cookies to be found

Letting the days go by, the dog days kinda got me down
Leting the days go by, keep on hoping for Dom Brown
Into the blue again, after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime, Pap is on the mound

You may ask yourself, "What is that beautiful park?"
You may ask yourself, "WTF did you swing at Pence?"
You may ask yourself, "Does Juan send the runner?"
You may say to yourself, "My God! Dubee what have you done?"

Letting the days go by, Pence ran Samuel down
Letting the days go by, I hope Chad Qualls drowns
Into the blue again, where the all the leads went
Under the rocks and stones where the long balls were found

Letting the days go by, another runner Kratz gunned down
Letting the days go by, not a ball Chooch didn’t pound
Into the blue again of Cole Hamels eyes
Once in a lifetime, Pierre doesn’t make you groan

Bunts like there never was, small ball like it never was
Smug as it ever was, look where my team was

Doc didn’t hold up, time isn’t after us
He’’ll be the same as it ever was
Chooch like he never was, September hot as it ever was
Phightin as it ever was

Letting the days go by
Letting the days go by
Once in a lifetime
Aumont won’t let us down
Letting the days go by

I hope Chad Qualls drowns, too. Not *really* but in the hyperbolic sports fan sense, I certainly regret that the Phillies continued to run him out there night after night during our long national nightmare.

Fangraph of Wigginton:

Source: FanGraphs