I'll tell you guys what I shrieked at my girlfriend at the bar while she tried to enjoy her beer, "YOU CAN'T LOSE A SERIES TO THE MARLINS AND STILL TAKE YOURSELF SERIOUSLY."
Finally, I shrieked loud enough that the Phillies heard me.
Tyler Cloyd notched another victory as the Phillies scored seven runs and Cole Hamels sat in the dugout, letting everyone know that he wouldn't speak to them, even if they hadn't asked him to.
Cloyd, just hours before his next bus ride back to Lehigh, continued to hold up the back of the rotation as Phillies saviors Kyle Kendrick, John Lannan, and Jonathan Pettibone have done all year, because this year is bonkers.
Cloyd went seven innings, a magic number in this day and age. He allowed eight hits and two earned runs, with five strikeouts and two walks. Not a lot more you can ask from a kid who was called up on the day he was needed, shipped out the next to make room for an extra reliever, and in general is pitching for a team that can't approach .500 without running away screaming.
But the major difference between Cloyd's start tonight and Hamels' start last night was the offense, in that it was a thing that people wearing Phillies uniforms were able to do.
Right off the bat, the Phillies threatened, getting a Jimmy Rollins leadoff single to blossom into a runner on third with one out. Which ended exactly how you'd think it would: Zero runs.
In the fourth inning, Delmon Young crunched a home run in Marlins Park - no small feat, as he would learn later on a sure-thing homer elsewhere but a definite double in Miami - and was on his way to becoming the RBI guy Charlie Manuel said he was before the game, despite only having four RBI in 61 plate appearances.
The Marlins would tie it up with a pinch hit sac fly from one of those players you've never heard of, but then the seventh inning happened, and no one - even the Phillies - would have to worry too much about offense for the rest of the night.
J-Roll led off with a single, again, and this time, instead of the opposite of anything effective, Ben Revere got on base.
"Great bunt, Benny," I yelled to the TV, not realizing until I saw the replay that it hadn't been a bunt at all, just a well-placed trickler that resulted from Ben Revere swinging with all his might.
No matter! The rally was on. Michael Young got one through, loading the bases for Ryan Howard, who
managed to ground into a double play and strike out in the same at-bat, ending the inning knocked a feel-good, two-run single.
Dom Brown doubled in Howard after Delmon Young's RBI ground out, and wouldn't you know it, there was a lead with insurance runs and everything. Howard even added another RBI single to his night the following inning to really drive the point home and make it 7-2. The point in this case being "Ben Revere."
And that was it! Well, B.J. Rosenberg came on to end things in the ninth, and couldn't help but allow a two-out single, a two-out double, and a two-out run, because have you ever seen B.J. Rosenberg complete an inning without making fart noises.
Things ended well - that's what insurance runs are for!
And now, let's watch this Fangraph zigzag about while my girlfriend gets to finish her first shriek-free beer.