RtP's Craven Predictions about the 2013 Phillies - A Retrospective

Here is the original post.

My predictions are posted below, with analysis interlineated in the style of the interwebsnetmotron.

1. Sucking. Followed by an exciting run, then more sucking, heart-breaking, and one last exciting run.

[Well, it was mostly just sucking, followed by more sucking. It was kind of a bad baseball fetish movie. I kind of, uh, blew it on this one. 0 - 1.]

2. Playoffs will occur in Philadelphia in MLB in 2013.

[BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 0-2.]

3. Domonic Brown will become a Phillies fixture, assuming his rightful place at the throne and hitting at least 25 home runs.

[He hit 27 homers! WIN! 1-2.]

4. Ben Revere will hit 25 fewer home runs than Domonic Brown.

[Should of said "zero" home runs. Failed it, but the gist was right. 1.5 - 2.5]

5. Game of Thrones will be spectacular.

[Nailed it! 2.5 - 2.5.]

6. Freddy Galvis will turn into a 2.0 WAR player, filling in as-needed, but ultimately full timing for a broken Utley.

[Not even close. Thankfully, Utley held up. Sadly, Galvis was lame offensively. 2.5 - 3.5.]

7. Ben Revere will be kidnapped by Hobbits.

[He broke his foot and missed most of the year. I am counting this as a successful prediction. 3.5 - 3.5.]

8. Adam Morgan will arrive, stay, and set all our hearts aflutter.

[Or not. I was, and am still, bummed about the shoulder. TINSTAAPP. 3.5 - 4.5.]

9. Another young pitching prospect will arrive on the scene and be surprisingly not awful. Perhaps Jon Pettibone.

[How do you like them apples? Hah! 4.5 - 4.5.]

10. John Lannan will be harpooned on the last day of the season by Chase Utley, who will drag him to the bottom of the sea, lashing him to Delmon Young.

[Like many modern interpretations of the Bible, my predictions should be interpreted as allegories rather than being taken literally. DelmonYoung disappeared in a manner akin to a behemoth from the deep returning there and leaving us with only nightmares. Lannan hit the DL, which is kind of like being dragged to the bottom of the sea. Whether or not Utley was involved is unclear. Tie goes to the predictor. 5.5 - 4.5.]

11. Delmon Young will explode on the first dollar dog night.

[Sadly, no. 5.5 - 5.5.]

12. The Red Phanatic will be vaporized by the Phanatic's mother using a modified T shirt cannon.

[This is what you get when you let me predict stuff. 5.5 - 6.5. My Phanatic piece sure was awesome though, wasn't it? Remember me, voters!]

13. Michael Young will commit more errors than Chase Utley hits home runs.

[Utley dingers: 18. Young errors: 10, 9 with the Phillies. My thought process was sound here, but where I went wrong here was underestimating Utley's playing time. 5.5 - 7.5. On a basis of, "Damn, that should have been an error!" I think my prediction was accurate.]

14. We will all come to enjoy Kevin Frandsen's defense in a much deeper way than we did previously.

[#Dmyass! I made a pun! Also, a successful prediction! 6.5 - 7.5.]

15. Charlie Manuel will not be retained for another year, but will stay through the end of this year.

[Split decision. Right that he was gone; wrong as to timing. I'm still kind of sad about that. 7.0 - 8.0.]

16. Cliff Lee will unify Newtonian and Quantum physics with an elegant and simple formula written on the palm of his glove between innings.

[This doesn't count, since he already did this during the 2009 World Series. Not scoring it. 7.0 - 8.0]

17. Chase Utley will break before the end of the year. Prediction 17.5 is that he will go to an AL team over the winter and be a nice DH who plays in the field once in a while. Sort of a Michael Young who doesn't suck.

[Wrong and wrong. And I couldn't be happier. 7.0 - 9.0.]

18. Roy Halladay will retire or be released or be permanently (season-wise) DL-ed before the All-Star Break.

[Neither one of these occurred, but I was not barking up the wrong tree here. I'll claim a moral victory, but I won't take the points, because it is a sad, sad moral victory. 7.0 - 10.0.]

19. Carlos Ruiz will not be retained, and he will open up a food truck in Panama with Jonathan Broxton.

[While I would have been thrilled to eat at a food truck run by Jonathan Broxton, I am pleased that Chooch is coming back, even if it is a minor overpay. Comcast money! 7.0 - 11.0.]

20. Cole Hamels will create from the power of his mind a new form of collective machine consciousness that will protect the Delaware Valley from an army of Chipper Jones Twittering androids. I-95 and mounds of burning tires will save civilization here so that the earth can be repopulated with unicorns, backpack dogs, and Pat Burrell's bastards.

[As the army of Chipper Jones Twittering Androids DID NOT attack the Delaware Valley, I submit that this came true. I will wait for the unicorns, since the backpack dogs and Pat Burrell's bastards are already here. 8.0 - 11.0.]

21. I will drink 532 beers during Phillies games this year. Count along with me on HavingDomsBabies.com.

[Done and done! 9.0 - 11.0.]

22. I will get the score wrong in at least 2 recaps, proving yet again my weakestlinkiness.

[Of all the predictions, this was the one that I was most certain would come true. It did not. Woohoo? 9.0 - 12.0.]

23. TGP will find at least 3 new, excellent writers during the year from the commentariat and the pressgang operations trolling local twelve step meetings and community corrections centers.

[Those pressgangs sure did a good job! 10.0 - 12.0.]

My winning percentage was not far of that of the Phillies, and I was just completely making stuff up there for most of it. If I actually try next year, I bet I will outperform Steamer. Analytics guy!