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EXCLUSIVE: Federal Donuts Acquires Giancarlo Stanton

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Purveyor of deep-fried foods will open a stand in Citizens Bank Park in an effort to comfort a forlorn Phillies fanbase over its failure to acquire the potentially historic Marlins slugger.

Tom Szczerbowski-US PRESSWIRE

Early Tuesday afternoon, "reports" emerged from the Twitter account of one Chris May of CBS 3 that the Phillies were "aggressively" pursuing a trade for Marlins outfielder and home run savant Giancarlo Stanton.

This announcement was followed by well-sourced reports that Federal Donuts, Philadelphia's new favorite purveyor of deep friend foodstuffs, would be opening a stand in the left field concourse at Citizens Bank Park in 2013.

This news quickly swept away the joking and snarking that arose from the Stanton rumors, replacing it with the kind of unrestrained joy that one usually only witnesses at strip clubs and bar mitzvahs.

The legend @FanSince09 probably said it best, though:

With regard to Stanton, simply ask yourself, if you were the Marlins, and you had to trade Stanton...

1. You would have your choice of teams to trade him to. Everyone can use Stanton. Everyone.

2. Think to yourself, "I want to find a team with a deep farm system rich in high-upside prospects so we can extract maximum value in a deal."

3. If you land on "The 2013 Philadelphia Phillies" as your answer, you're even worse than we all thought. And that's after the utter abomination of a fire sale you've already pulled this offseason. And that's really saying something.

This isn't happening. I'll happily eat crow if it does. But it isn't happening.