#26 / Second Base / Philadelphia Phillies
Dec 17, 1978
2012 Totals: 83 games .256/.365/.429 11 HR 45 RBI 11 SB 3.2 fWAR
2013 Bill James Projections: .274/.372/.463 19 HR 77 RBI 13 SB 122 games
2013 ZIPS Projections: .258/.362/.431 14 HR 57 RBI 12 steals 102 games 3.5 fWAR
Chase Utley here. So I'm looking at these number thingies your nerd lord sent me and I got one thing to say. IF I ONLY PLAY 113 games then just freaking shoot me. Seriously. PUT. ME. OUT. TO. PASTURE!
Hey Bill James? You my freaking doctor now? Zippy, you my trainer? Extrapolate that shit out to 162 bitches. I ain't good at math but I'm good at hitting baseballs one of you nerds do the math but its probably something like 80 home runs and a butt-load of RBIs.
What's that you're screaming at your screen? Oh you doubt me? Guess what? I'm Chase F'in Utley and last time I checked I've played in more spring training games this season than the last three combined. I'm back, I'm healthy, the knees feel good and that's all I really need to say here. Oh wait. It's not. I'm gonna bring us a world F'in championship. So stop griping about Delmon F'in Young and start grinning about Chase F'in Utley. Guys go buy a ticket for opening day and put on a bunch of sunscreen so your pasty arms don't get tanned since I know you never leave your basement, and watch me go oppo boppo in my first at bat. Ladies, you can stare at my butt all you want, my wife won't mind. Trust me. you don't wanna miss it, cause that place is gonna freaking erupt like Pat the Bat at the back room at Mons Venus last Tuesday afternoon. (There's a lunch buffet; he enjoys it. Don't judge.) Kashmir will play 300 times at the Bank. Take that and shove it in the drawer next to your computer. You know the one. It's where your hiding the Doritos.
I'm not gonna tell you what I'm gonna hit, how many bags I'll swipe, any of that crap. 'Cause I don't care, and neither do you. Seriously, you nerds really care if I hit .250 or .270 if I'm playing every day? That's right. You don't. Don't matter. The only thing that matters when it comes to me, Chase F'in Utley is that I'm standing out at second base for nine innings 150 times this year. And guess what else? It's happening. I'm doing it, and as long as Lannan stays away from me during batting practice there ain't a damn thing nobody can do about it. Got it?
What? Oh, you want me to compare crap to like before and predict stuff and... NO. Here's the skinny. Am I as good as I was five years ago? I think so, who the hell knows. Have I lost a step? Probably. That's life. But ask yourself this: Who would you rather have out there other than me night after night, day after day?
Yeah. That's what I thought.
I missed you too Nerds.
Now go get your dog spayed. Seriously. And take him for a walk and throw her a Frisbee and stay away from that crap food they sell at the A&P. Go to a pet store. Pay for the good stuff. I mean seriously, open up a can of Chef Boyardee and eat it every day for a month and then ask yourself how you feel. That's how your dog feels when you give him that canned crap.
Now excuse me while I go get my 2,000 fungos in before dawn. Ryno's waiting on me. So step away from that damn computer and go get some fresh air nerd. Its gonna be a long season. And I plan on being there for all of it