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Phillies at Marlins Series Preview: What's the Worst That Could Happen?

If you think that losing is the worst thing that could happen to the Phillies during this series, you are sadly mistaken.


Ever since 2010, I get worried when the Phillies face bad teams. When they play a series against a team like the Giants or Nationals, I don't feel that way. The Giants and Nationals are good teams (I say begrudgingly) so there's no shame in losing to them. (Other than the inherent shame of losing, of course.) But the Marlins? They are not a good team. And of the smorgasbord of embarrassing horrors that could befall the Phillies during the series, losing is the least of my worries.

Let's preview some of the embarrassing possibilities:

Giancarlo Stanton Homers -- This is kind of his thing. He does it a lot. And I'll admit, it's pretty awesome when he does it. (No, the Phillies aren't trading for him. We've been over this. Let it go.) Pitchers shouldn't feel too bad about giving up homers to Stanton. I mean, look at him. It's going to happen to all of them eventually. Embarrassment Level (1-10 scale): 2

Giancarlo Stanton Homers Four (or more) Times -- This means he hit more than one home run in at least one game. That's not good. Stanton can hit a pretty homer, but the Phillies pitchers shouldn't be holding batting practice for him. Embarrassment Level: 6

Juan Pierre Steals Four (or more) Bases -- Stealing bases is just something that Pierre does, and with varying levels of success over the year. But if Juan Pierre is stealing more than one base per game, someone isn't paying close enough attention to the runners on base and should have to spend a week with the Marlins as punishment. Embarrassment Level: 7

Juan Pierre Throws Anyone Out At Home -- Juan Pierre has a world renowned noodle arm. You know those cartoons where someone would flex their bicep and instead of plumping up with muscles, it would go all flaccid and droopy? That's how I've always imagined Juan Pierre's throwing arm. If he gets an assist on a putout at home plate, something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. Embarrassment Level: 8

Placido Polanco and Juan Pierre Hit Home Runs -- Yes, that's right. Not only do the Marlins have Greg Dobbs and Juan Pierre, they added Placido Polanco (and also Chad Qualls -- keep reading for more on him). They seem to be building their team around players that the Phillies didn't even want. I mean, I would have built my team around future home run king Giancarlo Stanton, but this is certainly another way to do things. Polanco and Pierre are not well known for their power. Polanco has hit double digit home runs just three times in his 15 year career. Juan Pierre has played in the majors for 13 years and has never hit more than three home runs in a single season. If they both hit home runs, I think it's safe to say that the universe is fucking around with the Phillies. Embarrassment Level: 9

John Maine Does Anything -- Wait a minute, seriously? John Maine? The actual John Maine. The one who was on the DL for so long I thought he was on a new team that used DL as their abbreviation? Wow. Well, if he was going to make it back onto a major league roster, I guess it would have to be the Marlins. Embarrassment Level: 1 (Come on, the dude is actually back on a major league roster! That pretty incredible considering he got injured when he was with the Mets! It's a miracle they didn't accidentally amputate his arm and try to attach it to his head!)

Chad Qualls Strikes Out the Side -- The Marlins signed Chad Qualls. CHAD QUALLS. I mean, that's... what do you say to that? If Qualls strikes out the side, then the Phillies should fold the franchise and move on. They should all become accountants or form a traveling vaudeville company or start a male escort service. Or something like that. No idea is a bad idea! Embarrassment Level: Infinity/Seppuku

Of course, none of these things might happen. The Phillies could play well and the Marlins could be themselves. But I think it's best that we be prepared for every eventuality, don't you?

Are there any embarrassing scenarios I've overlooked? If there are, I hope you'll be so kind as to detail them in the comments.