I! CANNOT! SEEEEEE! - Cardinals 5, Phillies 0

First, a confession. As I was settling in to watch today's game, it occurred to me to clean my brand new glasses. Literally brand new; having picked them up on Wednesday. As I removed them, it seemed quite odd that I could still see clearly with my right eye, while my left eye was now glass-free. The ambitious among you will perhaps surmise that my right eye was spontaneously healed by the appearance of Chase Utley on my television screen. While this was my first thought as well, sadly, that was not the case. Rather, my brand new glasses decided to separate into two separate pieces right at the bridge.

I have bad eyesight. I'm not legally blind like Joe West, or even slightly blind, like Gerry Meals, but I couldn't join the Air Force. Of course, there's lots of reasons why I couldn't join the Air Force, but that's beside the point. In any event, the game I watched today was between the vaguely blurry white shapes, and the vaguely blurry grey shapes. I'm assuming the Phillies wore their road uniforms at home, because the grey shapes won by a final score of S to circle.

[checks box score]

Well, I'll be damned. The Phillies couldn't score against Lance Lynn? One hit? One goddamn hit? You gotta be shitting me. And Carlos Beltran homered again, did he. Well, that's not a surprise, but... wait, you're kidding. Cliff Lee walked three guys in one inning? Was he high? #420jokeLOLOMGZ!!!!1one YO! Ahem, sorry.

Well, that's that. Moving on to the Silver Linings Playbook Phillippe Aumont was evidently sharp, striking out two in two innings. Jeremy Horst of course of course got a garbagetime inning, as did Joe Savery, and they evidently didn't embarrass themselves. Utley drew another walk (as a side note, how in the hell do our announcers uniformly recognize that it's bad when our pitchers issue walks, yet generally fail to recognize the offensive value in drawing them?); Michael Young continued his, like, hittin' streak, Charlie; and Freddy Galvis looks like a pretty damn good outfielder. Domonic Brown, starting in right field, looked pretty good, although he had an apparent miscue on the transfer after a catch.

There really isn't much else to say. The Phillies sucked today. Apparently it was also quite cold, although you'll forgive me for not shedding a tear, given that tonight's low is supposed to be six degrees...

Chris Wheeler spent about an hour talking about Stan Musial, who, evidently, was a decent ballplayer. I've never heard of Musial, see, because I've only been a baseball nerd for 30 years... He also cannot pronounce Rajah, Rogers Hornsby's nickname. Rather than the hard-J Suzyn Waldman-style "Rajaw Clemens oh my goodness," it's a soft-J. The nickname was inspired by the title for the Emperor of India. It's not a New Yawk accent saying "Roger." Wheels further mentioned that, "all of a sudden he's high. He gets pbhh pbhh with everything and he gets high like this." I have no idea.

Sarge offered up a few gems, including, "Sometimes these guys can be a lot more difficult," and "To get a feel for the slide-piece right there." I have no idea what that means.

The best part of the game was the first pitch, thrown out by a kid named Joseph, who immediately fell to his knees, arms raised, in imitation of Brad Lidge's celebration in 2008. The most adorable first pitch I've ever seen.

Fangraph of misallocated resources:

Source: FanGraphs